Kenshin Parody Revisited
by DarkHorse1
Summary: Return of two girls to RK land. Intentionally deranged Mary Sue. Because we're greedy for reviews, the first person to name at least 3 movies we rip off lines from wins a prize of some sort. Cripes this thing is long. We are SO sorry.
1. Chapter 1

Jenny sat in the UWM computer lab doing what she always did whenever she was there: Look up Saito Hajime. A frown crossed her round face as she remembered the strange and uncanny events that had taken place 2 months prior. She still didn't believe that she had been in Rurouni Kenshin land. It had to be a dream, right? "Ahhh, Saito-chan..." she said aloud, ignoring the stares she got from the other people in the room. She glanced down at her hand, which was unwashed and still molded in the 'Saito Luscious Ass Grabbing Position'. "How I miss that firm glutious maximus..."

"Hey holmes, what's up?" said a voice behind her. Judging from the amount of raw ghetto in the accent, it could have been none other than her partner in man-raping crime, Kelly.

"Oh, Hi Kelly," replied Jenny, looking more depressed than ever.

"What's the walla-walla bing bong?" asked Kelly, taking a seat next to the downtrodden Jenny, "Usually you're happy when you come here and look up anime men folk. Namely Saito."

"I know I know," replied Jenny, typing in 'naked Saito' on the yahoo search engine, "It's just not the same though. I mean, don't you even care about what happened? We were in 'THE' land. I'd give anything to go back there and grab some ass once again."

Kelly could easily sympathize. She looked down at her own hand, also unwashed and in a grabbing position, "Dude, I touched Aoshi's weenie. You think I like it here in the real world? Look at this hand dammit." She pushed her hand in Jenny's face, making her take stock of the amount of Aoshi skin that had graced her hand.

"Damn! Git that shit outta my damn face you damn nasty tramp!" cried Jenny, swatting at the hand.

Kelly laughed like a tard and made her hand talk, "Rar! I'm going to eat you! Here it comes! Woo woooooo!"

"Um, no thanks Slut-pire Hunter D," yelled Jenny, finally stopping the assault by punching the shit outta Kelly's face. She became serious once again, "Do you think it really was just a dream?"

"All cocks point to yes!" exclaimed Kelly, "I mean, holmes, how could that have really happened? And if you remember, which you probably couldn't even if you wanted to, we drank 8 cases of orange soda before we started to watch the RK tape. Not to mention the 2 bags of sugar, 9 blow pops, and 12 kegs of hummingbird feed we also demolished. That kinda shit will make you think you have a hand growing out of your forehead if you're not careful."

"Fo'head!" cried Jenny, remembering the dream-like sheen of Kawaji's melon, "I guess you're right. Just by looking at the other men in this room, you can pretty much see that no one as fine as Saito could ever exist here."

"See? Feel better now?" asked Kelly, grinning like a crack addict, "We're both stuck in this shitty assed world together! We'll probably end up marrying ugly men, be poor as shit, stuck in dead-end jobs, but one day, you'll forget about Saito! So, brighten up. Turn that frown upside-down. Be gay and jolly like a male hairdresser."

Jenny scowled at Kelly, trying to resist the urge to kick her dead in her overworked jaw, "Uh, thanks jerk. All better."

Before Kelly could answer, she had a vision...A vision of Escaflowne! I mean a vision of Rurouni Kenshin land. She saw Kenshin doing laundry and Yahiko practicing his Pretend-Mitsurugi in the background. She shook her head as the picture before her slowly faded away. The sound of Jenny's voice snapped her ass the fuck back into reality.

"Kelly? Kelly! What the hell! It's been 5 minutes. What are you doing?" yelled Jenny, "Hey! You better not be thinking dirty thoughts about Saito! I swear 'fore the lord that I will kick in your damn teeth for thinking hentai thoughts about my man. That's my job! Like the one with Saito and I locked in the bathhouse together and he's completely naked and willing... Ooooooo... that's my favorite one!" Jenny stared off into space, no doubt thinking nasty thoughts about a certain psychotic smoking killer, "Ooooo, ok 00Sexy, be gentle...Oohohohohohohooo! Damn! Now I know why you're the man! They should call you man-and-a-half! Sheeeeit!"

Kelly just stared at Jenny like she had wallabies coming out of her ears, "Are you finished? This is really nauseating."

"What happened? You just froze," said Jenny, waking up.

"Uhhh, nothing," replied Kelly, "We better get to class-" Before she could finish her sentence, Jenny hopped the nearest bus and tore off for home. She poked her BB head out of the side window.

"Bye bye! Have fun learning! I'll have fun skippin'!" She waved and then her head went back inside of the bus, but not before she struggled to get her coconut through the tight window space, "Gotdamn giant head… This always happens. Ay! Busdriver! Pull over and help me out! OI!"

Kelly just laughed at her friend, and proceeded to follow Jenny's example of skippin'.

"Fuck this bullsheeit ass math class. I ain't down with it." So she sat down in Bolton Hall and wasted 2.5 hours doing nothing.

She took stock of the people sitting in the room. There was a girl with a head full of curly fries, a guy with the thickest glasses ever, another girl who wouldn't stop coughing and/or sneezing louder than necessary, and someone else who looked like Sloth from Goonies. Candy corn shaped head, eye all cocked to the side, and big as fuck! Then some other hobo walked in who thought he was cool, with his Ray Allen Bucks jersey on, tucked into faded black jeans and wearing sandals, never mind this was November in Wisconsin. The place also smelled like a pile of shit, too.

"Yuck," thought Kelly, trying to type without breathing or smelling. She was looking up her main squeeze Aoshi, but was disappointed to find that there weren't many sites on the hung bastard.

So, 2.5 hours later, Kelly finally went to class: her Japanese class and started to learn the language of love. Or, the language of men she'd like to make love to. The class drew pretty kanji in ink, and of course since Kelly was wearing a white shirt, she spilled it all over herself. It was a routine occurrence though. No matter what it was, she would always spill something onto a white shirt. Kool-aid, Popsicle, spaghetti, pizza, anything Italian or Mexican, and just about anything else that would stain. She went home lookin' like the damn homeless person she saw on the bus stop takin' a nap the other day.

Kelly went up to her room and looked at Aoshi's poster for a good fifteen minutes before calling Jenny.

"Yo bitch. Wanna do something? We can watch anime over here," she asked.

"Sure. Lemme take a bath and I'll be there in a sec."

"You gonna wash that hand?"

"ARE YOU OUT YOUR DAMN MIND?" Jenny shouted, causing Kelly's hair to blow in the breeze.

"No need to holla. I'll see you later then."

When Jenny arrived, they looked at Kelly's anime collection.

"So, whaddya wanna watch?" Kelly asked.

"Do you really need to ask?"

Kelly popped RK into Playstation 2 and sat down for some good porn. I mean, for some good anime watchin' fun.

Meanwhile, Jenny slapped on her Shinsengumi gear, which was composed of funky ass Japanese sockies, an "I want Saito's Ass' t-shirt, and most importantly, her four glue-on Saito bangs. She sat down, completing her odd ensemble off with a giant foam hand that said, 'Saito Rocks'.

"Is all that crap really necessary?" asked Kelly, giving her retarded outfit a wary eye, "I mean, we're just watching an anime."

"Just an '_anime_'?" replied Jenny, rolling her eyes, "Are you sure it's just that? What about what happened a few months-"

"Awww, not that again!" interrupted Kelly, "C'mon Coconut Head, give it a break. Do you actually believe that we really got transported to a land full of flawless, sexy men? Rrrrright."

"Actually, I do believe that we did!" cried Jenny, hand on hip, cock-eyed look.

"What makes you think that it happened then?"

"Well…" Jenny trailed off.

"Well what?"

"Well, I found this in my pocket after I left your house," she said, guiltily opening her hand and showing Kelly the contents.

Kelly leaned in and looked at Jenny's hand. She was surprised to find absolutely nothing. "Hey! What the hell? Your hand is empty!"

Without warning or just cause, Jenny smacked the shit outta Kelly with the hand, even kicking her roughly in the shins.

"Ow! What in the holy ass bandit are you doin-- OW!! Stop it! Have you gone insane?!" yelled Kelly, trying to cover her face from Jenny's gay attack.

Jenny stopped her assault, a confused look on her face, 'Wha? I'm showing you what I found, that's all."

"You're beating the ass outta me is what you're doin' you damn jerk! What's jacking me up got to do with what you found in your damn pocket anyways?"

"I found a bad attitude."

"What?"

"A bad attitude. I caught it from Saito," explained Jenny, looking guiltily at her hand, "It's not something I'm proud of. Please don't tell my mom!"

"You're an idiot. You know that, right?"

Jenny looked down sadly, "Yes."

"Geeezus, just turn on the damn movie," Kelly said, booting Jenny roughly, "For a moment I thought you had a pair of Saito's draws or something."

"Oh yeah," cried Jenny, jumping up and down, "That's the other thing I needed to show you!" She reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of white fabric.

"O God, what's that now? It better not be a mugging or something."

"Shaddup," said Jenny. She pushed the cloth into Kelly's hands, "Now, take a wiffer of that sheeeeeit."

Kelly looked at Jenny strangely, but then decided to comply. She sniffed deeply.

"Well?" Jenny looked on happily, "Smell familiar?"

"Actually…" Kelly looked up, as if trying to remember a smell long forgotten, "It sort of smells like…Naw, that can't be it… Can it? What are these?"

"Aoshi's undies!" exclaimed Jenny.

"You depraved lunatic jackass! You stole Aoshi's draws! Are you out of yo' godforsaken mind??" Kelly blew up, snatching the Aoshi-roos out of Jenny's hands and stuffing them into her own pocket, "This is a joke, right?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Nope. C'mon, would I bullshit you on this?" Jenny asked, ignoring the vehement nodding that Kelly was doing. "And who else's draws would I give to you?"

"I don't know! Prolly your dad's, or worse, Jeff's!" Kelly shouted.

"I'm hurt. Not even I would go that far. Anyways, can we watch some RK around here?"

"Yeah," Kelly said, and pushed 'play'.

Right on cue, the bright light blinded them.

"Ok, if I don't see Saito comin' 'round that corner in 6 seconds, there's gonna be some smoke in the city," Jenny said.

"Gay," Kelly muttered, and strolled away from Jenny. "Wait a sec. Ay, Jenny, I still have the controller in my hand. And will you take those bangs off? You're embarrassing me! While you're at it, take the rest of that shit off too. Someone's liable to kill you for wearing Shinsengumi gear. I ain't gonna name no names or nothin'..."

"What? Did you say something about the remote?" Jenny asked, totally not paying attention.

"Ugh. I should turn you off. Make my life easier," Kelly said, and aimed the remote at her and pushed 'stop'.

There was another bright light, and they were back in Kelly's house.

The two girls looked at each other. "Aw hell naw," they said in unison, as Kelly pushed 'play' again. They were back in Tokyo.

Jenny started doin' the electric slide, while Kelly did the cabbage patch. "We can control it, WOO of the HOOO!!"

They both ran amok in the streets, not really knowing where they were. Until they got to the Akabeko.

"You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" Kelly asked, stuffing the remote into her pocket.

"If you thinkin' either Saito or sake, I'm wichoo," Jenny replied, and plopped down in the nearest seat.

"Oh no! Not again!"

"Hey, Tae! What's shakin'?" Jenny asked.

"Don't worry; we'll be outta here real quick. Well, as quick as you hook us up with a bottle of sake," Kelly said.

Tae looked like she was about to argue, but thought the better of it. She ran into Tsubame on the way to grab the sake.

"Tsubame, run to the Kamiya dojo and tell Himura-san that two girls are here. He'll know who I mean."

"O-ok," she said, and ran off.

"C'mon Tae! Git yo' badly dubbed ass in here!" hollered Kelly.

Jenny on the other hand looked worried. "Hey, what if Saito comes in here and arrests us?" She thought about what she had said for a full minute, "Gotdamn Tae! Let's move let's move! The drunker and rowdier we get, the better the chance of some sexy Shinsengumi bastard comin' to visit me!"

At the mention of Shinsengumi, half of the restaurants occupants looked up at the duo of moron before them. Some began whispering, while others shot them hateful glares.

"Damn, no love up in here, eh?" said Kelly, snatching her jug of life-giving sake from Tae's shaking hands, "Celebrate dat ass c'mon!!!"

"Celebrate dat ass," Jenny chorused happily.

Two hours later Tae was still awaiting the return of Tsubame and company. She didn't know where the little girl could have gone. The Kamiya Dojo wasn't even that long of a walk from the Akabeko, and she was starting to get anxious. Tae glanced back at the two smashed girls. They were still singing strange songs and guzzling down their drinks like a pile of no mannered apes in a banana factory.

Finally, Jenny's monolithic head fell forward. She was too drunk to gather the strength to lift it back up, so she just fell asleep. Kelly's eyes began to slowly droop, as she too began to feel the effects of the alcohol. She lifted her hand up to call a waitress, "Ay! Tae...Uhhh, is Saito comin' or not? I mean, wallabies and dingoes go Crocodile Hunter with Jack Hanna, shit. I don't know what I'm talkin' about. Damn-Jesus-God-Hell! What is that giant boulder doin' in here?? Oh, it's just Jenny's head. Oi, Jenny! Wake the shit up you skank two-timing glutterslut!"

The front door opened and Kenshin walked quietly in, little Tsubame hiding behind him.

"Himura-san! Thank goodness you're here!" cried Tae. She caught Kenshin's annoyed look as his eyes roamed past her and to the girls.

"Tae-dono, how long have they been in here?" Kenshin asked, looking for the entire world like some sort of flaming midget.

"Uhhh, for about 2 hours I think. They went through quite a bit of sake... I tried to contact Fujita-san, but he's apparently on a second honeymoon with his wife. You're the only person I could think of."

"I see. But what do you want me to do with them, that is? Kaoru-dono won't want them at her house. Sano hates them... They've offended everyone I know who could take them in. Wait! Sanosuke's friend Katsu! They could go there," Kenshin suggested, watching as Kelly tied ripped up napkins to the ends of Jenny's hair.

"Great idea! Now we only have to somehow get them to go to his house... I think I have an idea! They mentioned a Saito, and the one with the gi-normous head seemed quite excited about the prospect of seeing him," Tae said.

Kenshin and Tae whispered to each other for a few seconds, then Tae walked over to the girl's table, "Um, excuse me for interrupting, but I have a message from you from a Saito Hajime..."

Jenny's head shot up, little ribbons of napkin still attached to her hair, "What? Where? When? How? Hell!"

"I think I speak for my friend when I say, gimme the message before I kick you dead in the jaw," said Kelly, looking all sobered up.

"He told me to tell you to meet him in Ruffian Row, third house on the left side of the street," Tae managed to stammer, eyeing the foot the Jenny was getting ready to kick her with.

"Well, butter my ass and call me Shishio, I do believe we will be a courtin' tonight!" cried Jenny, hootin' and hollerin' while she slapped her thighs happily.

Jenny and Kelly left the roach infested restaurant and made their way to Sano's neighborhood. Jenny stopped at a food stand and bought a box filled with eggs. They walked further down the street and Jenny halted in front of a raggedy apartment.

"Hey, why are we stopping here? Only some Futae no Kiwami usin' loser resides at this gay house," Kelly pointed out, remembering the dozens of uncountable times Sanosuke got his ass socked around like a Hulk Hogan impersonator.

Without answering, Jenny chucked the entire box of eggs at the house, "Damn chicken man!" she shouted angrily, as egg yolk dripped down the front door.

Suddenly the door flew open, and a giant chicken stepped out, pecking at the ground a few times before letting loose a bone chilling 'bwa bwack!' "Oi! You again!!?

"Yes, it's us you poor excuse for a haircut," said Kelly, stepping up to the rooster, "I know you ain't talkin' no kinda shit, cuz Yahiko could whoop your ass."

But Sanosuke wasn't paying attention. He bent down and looked on in horror at the broken eggshells at his feet, "N-no! Who did this? My little sisters and brothers… WHO DID THIS!!"

Jenny and Kelly backed off slowly when a tear coursed its way down his face. A chicken man who couldn't fight was bad enough. They didn't need to watch him cry too.

The two walked a few houses down, trying to ignore the sobs that Sanosuke still let loose.

"Saito said 3rd house on the left, right?" asked Jenny.

"Yeah, it's supposed to be this dump right here," replied Kelly, knocking on the door. The door creaked open and two hands pulled the girls inside, sliding the door shut behind them.

"Saitoooo...he's gonna move you. Mean and evil, he gets right to ya! Saitooooo…the man the man the man is gonna beat the shit outta youuuuu!" Jenny sang her version of a Juicy Fruit Commercial, thinking Saito was the one that dragged them inside.

"Captain Sagara? Is that you?" whispered a crazy voice.

Kelly squinted her eyes, "Where the hell is Saito? Is that you crazy hobo on the corner?"

"Nah! That's Katsu! Sano's friend!" cried Jenny, "But, he looks about as odd as Grandpa Munster!"

Katsu did look…odd. His hair was a tattered mess, he had large circles under his eyes, and his mouth twitched. He kept turning his head like something was there too.

"Captain Sagara… Must find Captain Sagara, he muttered, rocking back and forth on his heels, "Bombs bombs revolution bombs government gays… SANO'S ASS!!"

"He crazy like a mutha!" laughed Jenny.

Kelly laughed too. "Yo, Katsu. Snap out of it man."

Katsu continued babbling. "Damn woman lookin' man. Flaming midget. Carryin' MY Sano around!"

"Rrrrright. Hey, I got an idea," Jenny said.

"O no. All of you ideas either involve me getting kicked, or me getting thrown into jail," Kelly complained.

"Naw, this has nothin' to do with you. KATSU!! Sekihotai suck ass!!"

Katsu woke the fuck up quick as hell.

"What did you say?" he snapped, and reached into his closet.

"Man, I know you don't have any bombs in there. You buried 'em all. Damn tard. Anyways, WHERE THE FUCK IS SAITO!!?" Jenny shouted.

"Who? I don't know any Saito. O wait, you mean that evil lookin' guy that likes to beat up Sano? I haven't seen him."

"Dammit."

"Jenny, we've been played. Them sonsabitches at the Akebeko set us up. Do you think a pimp like Saito would come anywhere near here? Unless of course it was to mess with Sano, but we saw Sano and he didn't look like he'd been gatotsu-ed at all."

A look of comprehension crossed Jenny's face. "I see," she said, putting a hand under her chin. "Well, I don't think Tae and Tsubame could think up something so evil."

"Who else could it have been? And besides, we have ruined their place of business a lot lately."

"So? It was all in good fun. Hmmmmm…"

The two girls looked at each other. "Kenshin."

Kelly pushed 'stop' on the remote, and they were back in the house. "Ok, now we need to get stealthy around here. If we're gonna sneak into the dojo, we're gonna have to get by Kenshin. I got some black clothes you can borrow."

"Man, I ain't wearin' none of your shit. What do you think I am? A hobo?"

Kelly looked at Jenny for second. "Yeah. Come on, put this on," Kelly said, handing Jenny a black shirt. She ignored Jenny's insane mumbling and put on the dark blue cape she wore when she dressed up as Vampire Hunter D that one time.

"OK, ya damn jerk. I'm ready. And how come you get to wear that cool cape, and I get this shit shirt? Not fair!"

"Shaddup. I'm not drivin' you back to your house just to change clothes. Deal with it."

"Nope. I'm wearing my trench coat, and you can kiss ass," Jenny said, changing back into her regular Saito gear. She slipped her coat on.

"Ugh. What do you think is gonna happen when he sees you wearin' that shit?"

"I dunno. Hopefully he'll drop to his knees and ask me to marry him."

"He's got a wife!"

"Well, I guess, if you want to call an overly hairy goat with six smelly feet a wife."

Kelly put her face in her hands and pushed 'play'.

They reappeared right in front of the dojo. And it was dark out.

"Ok, open the gate and let's move," Kelly said.

"Why I gotta open the gate?"

"Cuz I said. Hurry up."

"I hate you," Jenny said, but opened the gate anyways. The two wannabe-sneaky girls crept across the lawn and into the house.

"Shh," Kelly shhed.

"I know, I know!"

"Shut up! You're gonna get us caught!"

"What? I'm not the one who's yelling!"

"You started it!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not times ten!"

"Did too times infinity!"

Suddenly, a bright light shined in their faces and they stopped yelling. Kenshin, Kaoru, Yahiko, Sanosuke, and Megumi stood there.

"Hi everybody!" Jenny said, with a wave.


	3. Chapter 3

"Jenny! Shut up and run like a bitch!" cried Kelly, bolting away from the Kenshin-gumi, and towards the backdoor.

"Oi!" Sano cried the only word he knew besides Cadbury. The five freaks chased after the girls, sounding like a pack of wild pandas. Megumi even stopped to eat some bamboo on the way.

Kelly pulled Jenny through the backdoor of the dojo, just as the Kenshin-gumi went past them.

They both breathed a sigh of relief. Jenny was the first to speak up, "Ok, only go for the valuables, no cheap stuff. I get Kenshin's sword, you get Yahiko's shoes."

"Since when did this become a robbery?" Kelly asked, slapping Jenny upside her melon head, "These people are poor as hell anyways! Just look at this living room. No furniture, no carpet, shit, they couldn't even afford a table with longer legs!"

Jenny looked down shaking her head sadly, "Well, looks like I'm about to break it too." She suddenly jumped on the table, laughing when the legs broke off.

"Uhhh, rrright."

"I think I heard them in here Kaoru-dono," said a feminine voice that could've only belonged to Sano, err, I mean Kenshin.

Jenny hid in the corner, holding a plant before her head. Kelly on the other hand stood her ground like some sort of retarded 1-800-general NOW. "Jenny! Git out here and help me beat these jerks down!"

Jenny just shook the plant in return.

Kenshin walked into the room, his hand almost touching his sword's handle. He saw Kelly, "What are you doing in here?"

"I have to tell you something," Kelly said, pretending to reach for an imaginary katana, "I'm your mother's brother's uncle's friend's sister's shabadoo." The room was totally silent at this remark, except for the insane giggling of one plant.

"Oro?" Kenshin looked confused, complete with swirly eyes.

Megumi stepped forward, eyes flashing, serious face, whore-wear included, "What are you doing in Ken-san's house? Tell me right this instant!"

"Kenshin's house…" Kaoru repeated, trying not to bust some skulls.

"We've come…for the child," said Kelly, pointing at Yahiko, "He said the magic words and must become a goblin!"

"Toby!" cried the plant.

Suddenly Kelly clicked one of the buttons on the remote. Words jumped out of nowhere, landing in front of the Kenshin-gumi. As Kenshin spoke, the words were exactly what he said. Kelly looked on in wondrous wonderment that was wonderful.

"Jenny! Look at the subtitles!" Kelly pointed at the fading 'Oro?' beneath Kenshin.

Jenny dropped the plant and ran out, but not before breaking it down like some 80's dancer, 'Ahh hee hee heee!" She did a moonwalk, grabbed at herself, and then slid next to Kelly, biting her lower lip and going, "AAHHHHH!!!"

"Get outta here right now," threatened a giant poultry, "I don't wanna have to get rough with you."

The girls were too busy watching the magical words. They mouthed along with everything he said.

"This is awesome!" cried Jenny, looking at the remote. She clicked a button marked 'Truth'.

Kaoru suddenly shook like an epileptic on crank, "Kenshin! I love you and want you right here on this broken table!!"

Kenshin looked shocked for a minute, "Kaoru-dono… You mealy-mouthed bitch. I hate you! You turned me on to men!"

Sano wrapped his arm around Kenshin's waist, "Yeah Jou-chan, he's my man!"

"I'm an over-opinionated whore of a doctor that hides my true love for Dr. Genzai by pretending that I'm in love with a raggedy Ann doll of a rurouni. I also wouldn't mind having wild monkey sex with Sanosuke on my front doorstop while the neighbors watched!" shouted Megumi, spinning around.

"Kaoru…" Yahiko said quietly, "I try your kimonos on when you're not home."

Kelly just stared at Jenny crazily. There was a loud knock on the door, and then a few minutes later Saito Hajime, King of Kings, Pimpmaster 42 his-damn-self, walked the hell in.

"Saito!!" cried Jenny, preparing to lunge. She stopped when she saw the romantic look in his scary ass criminally insane eyes, "Saito? Are you going to tell me what I want to hear because I hit the truth button and maybe deep down in that Grinch-like heart of yours you actually have fallen helplessly in love with me? I hope…"

"Jenny… I… I…" he stepped closer to her, holding his arms out, "I still hate you!" With that, he slapped her upside her head, "What in the name of everything good and decent are you two doing back here?! I was called from my honeymoon so I could deal with some troublemakers that were in the area. I should have known that it was you two morons." He glanced over at Kenshin and Sano, who were slow dancing to the sound of Kaoru's sobs, "What the hell are they doing?"

Kelly snatched the remote back. "That's why I didn't give it to you in the first place. I thought you were anti Sano x Kenshin," Kelly said, hitting the truth button again, causing all those horrible words to vanish. Sano and Kenshin stopped dancing and looked at each other awkwardly.

"I am, but I can't help that that's what the truth button said."

Kelly squinted and looked at the remote again. "Hol' up. Don't even say 'truth'! It says 'hurt', you dyslexic wench!"

"Wha'? Lemme see," Jenny said. "Well, I'll be an aardvark's niece! It does say 'hurt'! All right! That means there's hope for me and Saito yet!"

"No, there isn't hope for you and me. There isn't even hope for just you. Do I have to take you back to jail with me, or are you going to behave?" Saito said.

Jenny and Kelly looked at each other. "C'mon now," they said in unison.

Saito sighed. "Battousai, I will come and get them tomorrow morning. Keep them here and out of trouble until then."

"Wait!!! Saito-chan, you can't leave me! And it was Kenshin who got us into this mess in the first place by telling us that you wanted to meet us on Ruffian's Row!" Jenny cried.

Saito turned very sloooowly towards Jenny. "You will not call me '-chan' again, do you hear me!?"

"Aghghghghghghhgghhg," Jenny said, drooling.

"That's 'ok' in slobber language, Saito," Kelly said, not quite as affected by the sexy Shinsengumi wa sanban no taicho, Saito Hajime.

"Thank you for that clarification," he said sarcastically.

"Tsk. Bad attitude much? Jenny was right when she said she picked it up from you." Saito turned his evil yet arousing glare to her. "Anyways, Kenshin's more at fault than we are!"

"You have a point, which I hate to admit. Battousai, what did you do?"

"Ah, Saito, they were destroying the Akabeko again. I had to think up something to get them to leave."

"We were not destroying the Akabeko, ya damn liar!" Jenny piped up, coming down from cloud Saito. "We were merely taking advantage of the good service there!"

"And the sake. Don't forget the sake," Kelly said, her eyes going sparkly as she remembered her affairs with the euphoric alcohol.

Saito rubbed his eyes. "Look, it's been 2 months since you left. I was getting used to the peace. Now, you will stay here until I come back tomorrow morning. Can I trust that you'll stay?"

Jenny and Kelly lowered their heads and spoke quietly to each other, as if devising a plan (which they most likely were). They both looked up at the same time.

"Yeah, we'll stay till you come get us tomorrow," Kelly said.

Saito raised an eyebrow. "That was easy. What's the catch."

Jenny miraculously kept her composure during the eyebrow thing. "You have to promise us that you'll take us on a tour of Tokyo."

Saito raised both hands, and Kenshin looked like he was about to be sick.

"Demo, I don't think you should be seen..." Kenshin trailed off.

"Neither one of you are fit to go out in public. You're too loud, and you wouldn't fit in with those clothes," Kaoru said.

"Man, you all sure know how to bust someone's dreams. Well, get us some clothes. We don't have any of your money, but we could work out a trade, don't you think?" Jenny said.

Sano yawned. "It's late. Why don't we all sleep on it and come back tomorrow."

"The aho is right. I'll be back at noon."

"Ah, Saito-san," Kaoru asked, "Would you like to stay here for tonight? I mean, isn't it a long way home?"

Kelly grabbed a hold of Jenny and dug in her heels as Jenny's control finally snapped.

"Absolutely not. I don't want to be around these two any longer than I have to. I'm going home to my wife and my bed."

"Ahhhhhhh! Saito, you've finally come to the Jenny side of the force! Where's the bed at? Huh?" she asked, jumping onto Saito's shoulders. "Woohoo, ride 'em cowboy!"

Saito tossed her off like a piece of salad from a fork, "When I say wife, I mean Tokio. Not Jenny!"

Before Jenny could again mount him like a rhino in heat, he darted for the door calling, "I'll be back tomorrow! Behave!"

"Well, ain't dis a bitch," snorted Jenny, watching her blueberry sex on a stick leave the Kamiya Dojo.

Kelly turned to the stunned five-some behind her, "So, who we shacking up with? I must warn whoever sleeps in the same room as Jenny though. Sometimes during the night she gets confused. She thinks Saito is the one next to her and she can usually mess a body up." Kelly rolled up her shirtsleeve and gestured to bite marks on her arm, "See this shit? At first I thought some sort of possum was doing it."

Jenny looked at Kelly's arm, a confused look on her face, "Hey! You got that when I beat your ass for calling my head huge! Remember? You cried and pleaded like a midget about to get stepped on by a size eleven! Then you wet your pants, talking some shit about having a urinary tract infection. Then you-Mmmmmmhhhhghhghgbnnnjjjffftttt." Kelly slapped a hand across Jenny's mouth, literally trying to suffocate the no good donkey spanker.

"Well?" Kelly said, ignoring Jenny's purple face, "We'd like to go to our rooms now, or do you want more things to get broken?" She picked up a vase and hung it on her pinky, letting it dangerously sway back and forth.

Kaoru immediately ushered the girls into an empty room, chucked some futons their way, and slid the door shut loudly.

"Whatever happened to service with a smile?" asked Jenny, getting comfy.

"Went out the damn door and past the spiky haired idiot," replied Kelly, gesturing to Sano's silhouette on the door. A lone "OI!" was heard on the wind as they drifted off to sleep.

DA DA DA! MORNING!

The morning light streamed through the open window, accompanied by delicious egg Mcmuffins and hash browns singing 'we love to see you smile'.

Jenny moaned in her sleep unhappily, "No! No!!! I don't want to serve the obese and hairy public! Mom! Make Ronald die! Please! Stay the fuck away from me Hamburgler… You convict for all ages! Birdy? Stop leaving your crap on the counter! What will the customers think?"

Kelly watched the whole sad ordeal. She decided Jenny had had enough, so she chucked a shoe at her round, succulent head.

Jenny awoke with a start, rubbing the back of her noggin, "Ow… What the hell? Hurt my whole left side… Someone call me a damn paramedic…"

Kelly just laughed, "Mornin' jerk. You know what today is, right?"

"Christmas? Thanksgiving? Oooooh! I know! Buy one McChicken get one free, right?"

"No you waste of space," Kelly cried, slapping her forehead, "Saito said he'd be coming for us at noon! It's 'Tour Tokyo Day'! You misguided fool!"

Suddenly Jenny jumped up from her bed, "Holy cripes! Saito is coming and I look like a total Norwegian bum!" She paced back and forth, trying not to fall over from the immense gravitational pull her head created, "We gotta look nice today! No more hairy armpits! No more wooky legs! And above all, we need some decent clothing! I really don't think this Sloth shirt will impress the guy…" She looked at her own tattered rags sadly.

"Hey no prob!" said Kelly brightly, "We can just go to Megumi for some dressing advice. She's almost like a whore or something."

Megumi opened her door reluctantly, "What do you want?"

"We need to become total sexy bitches before noon today," said Jenny, "Not quite you though. We don't want to scare people."

Megumi sighed unhappily. The sooner she got rid of these freaks the better. She pushed Jenny into the nearest bathtub and approached her slowly, holding a razor and soap, "If I'm going to help you two, I want your full obedience."

Jenny raised her hands in terror, "No. No! Not the razor!!! Not the razor!!!!!! Keeeelllllyyyyy!!!"

Kelly grimaced in the other room, listening to Jenny's cries of pain. Her turn would soon come, and she had grown rather fond of the jungle of hair that gathered under her arms.

Thirty minutes later, Jenny emerged from the bathroom. Her face was pale, eyes sunken, "K-Kelly… It was terrible! She shaved me in all sorts of places… I can't even mention half of them… Terrible…"

Kelly screamed for help as Megumi pulled her into the room of hairless death, "Please God!! Noooooooo!" Before the door closed a poof of dark hair sprinkled the air.

Another half an hour later and both girls were nair-tastic. Megumi dusted her hands off busily, eyeing her handiwork, "Well now. We got the hard part out of the way. Now we need to find you clothes to wear."

Jenny raised her hand weakly, "But we don't have any money. I can't sell any blood either. I lost half of it in the tub with you."

Megumi looked at her severely, "I didn't nick you that much. Now, what are your favorite colors?"

Kelly thought for a moment, "Well, I really like black. Green is pretty. But I think I'll go with a yellow shade today. It reminds me of Aoshi… Agghhhhhhh…."

"And you?"

"Um, blue I 'spose," replied Jenny, smearing makeup on her face, "I look like you now Megumi!" She turned around, looking more like Bozo the Clown than anything else.

"Um, ok." Megumi rummaged through her closet, looking for some old clothes, "Ah ha! I've got the prefect things!" She turned around with two plain looking kimonos. One was a light yellow, and the other a light blue.

Kelly frowned, "What the hell are we, paupers? I don't want to be walking around like some sort of reject bag lady today. Don't you have something a little nicer?"

"Fuck the damn kimonos," said Jenny, "Can I get some Victoria Secret up in here? I don't plan on leaving the bedroom, if you know what I mean."


	4. Chapter 4

Megumi just rolled her eyes. "I don't have anything else. You're just going to have to deal with it," she said, flipping her hair over he shoulder. She stalked out, also sliding the door closed with a thud.

"What is it with people and slamming doors and shit? I feel all unwelcome," Jenny complained.

"There's a good reason for that," Kaoru said, poking her head in. "Here. I brought you some of my old ribbons to tie your hair back. And here's a comb," she said, tossing the things in. She then slammed the door closed.

"I don't even know what she expects us to do with these ghetto ribbons. My hair's too short and layered to look good in just a ribbon," Kelly said, combing her hair.

Jenny was busy using the ribbons to wrap around her wrists. "Hehe, check this out. Who am I?" she asked, scraping her feet on the ground and moving her head back and forth.

"Hm? I dunno."

"C'mon! Here's a hint. Bawk! Ba bawk! Cluck cluck."

"Oh, I know! Sanosuke! That's pretty cool. My turn now," Kelly said, and stuck her arms out in front of her. Her eyes got droopy and she let some of her bangs fall over her face. "Brraaaains!"

"Ooo, ooo! Saito from the Rengoku episode when he was all wet and pale and looked like a zombie! Heeeey! You bitch, how dare you talk shit about my man!" Jenny said, and whapped Kelly over the head with a futon. Kelly dropped like a rock, just as Saito walked in.

Jenny pointed to Kelly's motionless form and said to Saito, "She was bad mouthing you Saito. I knocked her the fuck out! Hey, don't you knock? I mean, what if we were naked up in here..."

Jenny just looked at Saito for a second, realizing what she said. She grabbed her borrowed kimono and was about to pull it the hell off, but Saito grabbed her arm.

"O yeah, you can manhandle me anytime," Jenny said, and struggled a little. He tightened his grip.

"You listen to me. I'm going to drive you around Tokyo today. We will not get out of the carriage. You will not speak to anyone on the street. You will not speak in anything above a whisper. You will not speak to me. Break these rules, and I will break your head."

"Whoa. You mean, you could be strong enough to crack my coconut? O god, that's so cool!"

"Shut up!" Saito snapped, and tightened his grip again and dragged her closer. "Do. Not. Fuck. With. Me."

"Aghghghhghhghffgfdhd..." said Jenny.

"Daaaamn!! Can't ya'll get a damn room? I mean, I don't mind seein' Saito layin' it all on the table, but I draw the line at Jenny," Kelly said, coming to.

Saito let Jenny go. "All right, come on and let's get this over with."

Kelly raised a hand. "Question. What's to eat? I'm hungry!"

"We'll eat here. The Kamiya girl is making breakfast."

"O no. It's bad enough that you're threatening to kill us, but I don't want to die of food poisoning," Jenny said. Kelly nodded.

"Yeah. We bad, but we ain't THAT bad."

"You think so, eh?" Saito said. "Fine. I don't relish the thought of eating here either. We'll go to the Akabeko. No sake!"

"Aw man. How'd he know that was what I was gonna ask?" Kelly said.

"Maybe…he's like Miss Cleo!" cried Jenny, a shocked expression on her face as she gazed at Saito, "Call Saito now for your free tarot card readin' babies!"

"Ok, let's go before I change my mind," said Saito, stalking unhappily towards the door, "I warn you though, you'd better behave when we arrive at the Akabeko, or else…"

"Or else what? You'll beat Jenny into nothing but an ungodly pile of mentally insane pulp?" Kelly asked, a hopeful twinkle in her damn eyes.

Saito turned and glanced at Jenny, who was drooling at the prospect, "I think she would enjoy that."

Kelly looked at Jenny too, "I think you're right."

Without saying anything else, Saito stood next to the carriage, waiting to help the girls inside. Kelly was first to go, and she got in with no problem. Most of it was amazement due to the fact that Saito was acting like a gentleman. Then it was Jenny's turn.

"Now no funny business," growled Saito, reaching out to grab her arm, "Don't even try anything."

For a moment it looked like Jenny was going to make it in without a single molestation. Kelly watched Jenny's face carefully. There was this mischievous look, and she didn't think it would lead to anything good.

The moment Saito grabbed her arm; she reached down with her other arm, grabbed his handcuffs, cuffed his left wrist with one side, and with the other cuffed herself. Saito looked up in horror as she tossed the key away.

"What the hell are you doing?!" he howled, "That was my only key! Kelly, get out here and find it right now!"

Kelly looked at Saito crazy, "Yeah right, Jenny will have me killed later on then. I can see it now. Damn 7-foot woman named Inga waiting on my doorstep with nothing but a pair of gloves and a piece of wire. No thanks pal."

Jenny did nothing but grin up at Saito's brilliantly red face with triumph, "Just think, you gotta take me when you pee too!" She started to do a little dance, "I get to see Hajime's penis! I get to touch Hajime's penis! I get to blo--"

Saito pulled hard on his side of the cuffs, causing Jenny to be smacked up against the carriage, "This is the most dim-witted thing you've ever done. When I got out of these, I'll make sure you'll go to jail. Now let's go, I guess I can't punish Kelly for your stupidity. But now I'm not taking you out to eat." He pushed Jenny into the carriage and then called for the driver to take off.

For a few minutes, Jenny sat uncomfortably next to Saito. She twiddled her thumbs, trying to ignore the evil stare that Kelly shot her, and the equally evil stare that Saito flashed her every few seconds. The handcuffs were cutting into her wrist, so she pulled her hand closer to herself, causing Saito's hand to follow and flop onto her leg.

"EEEEIIII!! H-h-hentai!" Kelly pointed, seeing the hand move.

Jenny looked down in surprise, and then looked up in love, "Saito-chan… does this mean? Could it possibly mean? That Tokio's a no good STD carrying orangutan?"

His amber eyes glazed over in absolute Aku Soku Zan.

"What's wrong?" asked Jenny, poking him in the chops, "You look like you're taking a shit. Ay! Are you horny? You're horny aren't you? Please tell me you're horny. Kelly! Get the hell outta here! I think he wants some ass!"

"I think he's going to kill you," Kelly replied, watching Saito's look of rage intensify, "He's so mad that he appears to be frozen. Just think, he's fighting the urge to kill you off right now. See that vein sticking out now? I think he's thinking the same about me. I feel so special."

Jenny started to stroke his face, "Awww! He's like a baby. Doesn't even have a hair on his silky smooth baby ass face." She suddenly twisted him so he lay in her lap, "Rock-a-bye Saito, on Jenny's lap… Don't mind the pressure as your pants I unsnap… Da dada da da da… la ti di di, do you like genuine jockey? Or maybe hanies?"

The carriage rocked uncontrollably. Kelly flew out the damn window, landing in a heap on the side of the road. The driver was also tossed from his seat. He got up and ran away, yelling, "Gaijin no baka!"

Jenny and Saito rolled out, Saito scrambling to get Jenny under control. In a moment of pure desperation, Saito pulled with all his strength and got free of the cuff, leaving his hand bloodied.

"O my god! Saitoooooo!" Jenny howled. Saito clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Kelly," he growled. "Get over here."

"Aw man," Kelly complained, looking totally disgusted. Saito grabbed her arm and forced it through the empty half of the hand cuffs.

"ACKK! Shit! What was that for! That hurt, you sonofabitch!"

"Good!" Saito shouted, and grabbed the chain between the cuffs and pulled Jenny roughly to her feet.

"Oowie!"

"You play too much, Saito. C'mon now, this shit ain't funny. I am so not gonna be stuck with this...this...this good for nothin' drooling amazon!"

"Too bad! You don't have a choice. Now, it's up to both of you to find the key to unlock yourselves. I'll wait here."

"This some bullshit! Man, Saito, I--!"

Saito cut Kelly off with a hand around her throat.

"Right," Kelly said, saluting with her free hand.

Saito smiled evilly and pushed them away.

6 hours later...

It was dark when Jenny and Kelly finally made it back to Saito.

"Well?"

Jenny and Kelly raised their hands triumphantly. "Nah nanananana!"

Saito looked mad.

"Okay, now I'm REALLY hungry. And since I don't think Saito's up to takin' us anywhere like a gentleman, we should just go back to the crib and get some grub. Whaddaya say Jenny?"

"I guess..." she said, trailing off and scuffing the ground with her foot and hanging her head.

"What's wrong? I keep telling you you need a brace for that head," Kelly said.

Jenny sniffed. "It's just that...well... aw hell, Saito, I don't expect you to love me right away! But can you at least not injure me anymore? I'm broken hearted," she said, sticking out her bottom lip and making her chin quiver. Her eyes got all watery.

Kelly looked at Saito like he was short. "Tsk. How could you. You evil evil man. I don't even know why Tokio stays with you. You probably beat her into submission too. Poor Jenny," Kelly said, throwing an arm over her broken friend.

"Yeah. Poor me," Jenny said, sniffling.

Saito rolled his eyes. "You're not fooling me," he said, looking at Jenny.

Jenny looked up, tears flowing down her face. "I can't live without knowing that you care for me! Waaaaaa!!" she yelled, sinking down into the dirt.

Kelly reached into her pocket and pulled out the remote. "C'mon Jenny. I can tell that we're not wanted. We should just leave the all mighty police officer to his business of slaughtering, smoking, dream crushing, heart breaking, and being an asshole."

"Now wait a minute," started Saito, holding a hand up, "I admit that even I can be…well… sometimes I can be…"

"Really mean and insensitive!" cried Jenny, sobbing pathetically, "I mean, isn't it flattering to know that a woman would lick you from top to bottom? And then smother you in whipped cream and tie your hands down while nibbling and teasing your nether region? All the while getting on hand and knee to pleasure you with mind-blowing sex? Waaaaaaahhh!!!!!"

Kelly's face visibly greened at the set of thoughts that Jenny created, "Ewwwies!! My eyes! That's the most disgusting thing you've ever said!! Is this what you think about all the time?!"

Jenny sniffed a few more times, "Well yeah. I didn't even get to the splooge part. I bet it'd be a geyser."

"Ahem," interrupted Saito, turning an off pink and looking uncomfortable, "I apologize for hurting both of you then."

"Wha? The great Saito Hajime groveling?" Kelly laughed, "I thought I'd never see the day…"

"I didn't grovel," growled Saito, approaching Kelly menacingly, "And if you refer to what I just said to as 'groveling' again, I'll make sure you'll never see the end of _this_ day."

Kelly backed up, "Ok ok, geez. Can't you take a joke? That's what we're talkin' about here, you're too serious!"

Jenny sniffed some more, probably thinking up more fun stuff she couldn't do with her wolf, "Waaaaaaa!!!"

Saito looked down at Jenny, an unreadable look on his face, "C'mon, stop crying already."

"No-o-o-oooooo!!' Jenny hiccupped, trying hard to breathe after all her sobs, "You've hurt me for the last time! I think I'm going to turn my affections towards Aoshi!"

"No way in hell!" yelled Kelly, "You know that he's my object of lust! Don't you ever say that again!"

"I-I'm serious," said Jenny boldly, "True, he's a loser, he don't talk, he doesn't have a sexy mouth-watering body like Saito, and he's totally psycho and odd… But overall he's a pretty fly guy."

Saito lit a cigarette and snorted, "Shinomori Aoshi, eh? He's hardly a man. I can think of quite a few fights that he had with the Battousai, all of them ending in total defeat."

Kelly lunged forward as Saito totally cut down Aoshi, but she missed as he sidestepped. "Damn you! How could you talk about my man like that?!"

Saito offered a hand to Jenny, who was still sitting on the ground crying, but to his surprise she slapped it away, "Oh? What's wrong with you? I said I was sorry."

"Leave me alone, _Officer_," she hissed, "I told you already that I love Aoshi now."

"Noooo!!" Kelly howled like a wounded animal. She whirled on Saito, pointing at him, "This is all your fault! You better pray that she snaps outta this little fix she's in, otherwise I'll make sure you wake up bald!"

Saito laughed, a cold scary laugh, "Oh really? Well, I can't say that I'm not happy that Jenny isn't falling over me anymore. And as for your threat, I'll make sure you don't wake up at all if I'm missing even a single hair when I wake up."

Kelly shut, what I call, the fuck up.

"Now, let's go," said Saito, walking away, "I'll let you stay at my home for a night, but I don't want Tokio to know you're back yet, so keep it quiet."

Jenny sulkily followed, still looking pretty upset. Kelly looked just upset, but she knew that Jenny would never stop liking Saito, even if he beat women occasionally.

"Hey Jenny," whispered Kelly, "'Ju grab Saito's ass?"

Jenny didn't even glance down at the ass within grabbing range before her, "No, actually I didn't. But if AOSHI were here, there'd be some serious squeezin'. With Saito's bony ass you can hardly get a handful. Same goes for other areas of his body, no doubt."

Kelly was absolutely stunned. There was total silence as they walked. When they finally arrived at Saito's house, he turned on them again. Both girls felt a-warnin' a-comin'.

"Now, I am serious. Behave," he whispered, looking specifically at Jenny, but she wasn't paying attention, "I mean it, Jenny. Don't try a thing. No touching me-"

Jenny yawned loudly, "Ew, no thanks. Who would want to touch you? You're like 84 or something. Aoshi, on the other hand, is just right."

"Quit pretending you dolt," Kelly whispered in Jenny's ear.

"Who's pretending? I just don't see how a pretty woman like Tokio would be saddled with this zombie man before me. Aoshi looks like a Ken doll, while Saito here looks like Alf or something. No wait, let me take that back. Alf is too good for him. He's more of a Mummy's Alive deal. God, now that I look at him more closely, he's really wrinkly and butt fugly. What kind of normal person has funky spaghetti hair like that? I mean when you compare him to Sano's ol' underfed ass, he'd still lose. In fact, I think I'd rather jump Sano's bones any day, if you know what I mean. Please stop looking at me like that Saito-san, you're making me nauseous. And someone needs to file those fangs of yours down. Seriously. I know that you prolly don't have dental insurance, working at that pathetic low paying job you do, but at least try to get them sanded. Gotdamn."

"Well, if you're done insulting me now," said Saito, annoyance in his voice, "I think I'll show you to your rooms."

"About damn time," continued Jenny, as they walked down a hallway, "Damn, stop dragging your feet when you walk. How old are you? A fifty-year-old guy like you should have learned that a looooong ass time ago. Take Hiko for example. He's 43 years old, but he knows how to act around people. Sort of. Well, maybe he is a little rude and outspoken, but that can be forgiven, seeing how he doesn't look like your ol' bell tower ass. Reminds me of the Rengoku episode again. Wet and ugly. That describes you in a nutshell. Braaaaains…"

"You'll sleep here tonight," Saito said, sliding a door open, "Keep it down. I'll try to explain to Tokio why you're here. I just hope she doesn't kill me…" He started to walk away, muttering to himself.

"Well, one can only hope that she does kill you," called Jenny, "Put you out of your misery dammit."

"What the hell are you doing?" cried Kelly, choking Jenny like Osama Bin Laden, "Why are insulting and humiliating the man you love." She throttled her a few more times, "Why?!"

"What do ya mean?" Jenny looked confused, "I'm just telling him like it is. I love Aoshi now. I never really liked Saito, I just like to play around, and that's it. For who could ever love… a beast?"

"Quit ripping off lines from Disney!"

"In a spitting match no body spits like Gaston!" sang Jenny.

"So, you're totally over Saito huh?" Kelly looked extremely skeptical, and she raised an eyebrow at Jenny's blank face.

"That's what I'm saying," replied Jenny, confidence oozing out of her giant head.

"Ok, so if I was going to sneak a peak of Saito, naked and glistening in the bathhouse," Kelly said, "You wouldn't even care?"

Jenny gulped nervously, "N-no way!"

"And what if I reached my hand into the soapy water and began to…" Jenny's eyes glazed over slightly, "Scrub him like a dirty dish?"

"I wouldn't care…" Jenny began to bite her nails.

"Ok, and finally, what if I went there and he let me touch his-"

"Enough!" Jenny finally snapped, "That's my job! Keep away from my man and his gigantic weenie! Oooh, how I wish I could grab his luscious ass once again… Without the confining, skin tight uniform that shows off his bulges OH so well…" Jenny sniffed sadly, "I miss those bulges, those flashing amber eyes full of wrathful hate and killing, those cute little fangs that scream SEX, his silky hair that I just want to grab and pull as I have my earthly way with him, and not to mention those muscular thighs that I'd love to Gatotsu my-damn-self. Ahhhghhgghghhghhg…."

"Well, I can't get you all that," said Kelly shiftily, "But, I think I heard him crawl in the tub… And if I was any kind of friend, I'd assist you in any sinful way that I could."

"Kelly? Are you that kind of friend?" Jenny asked hopefully, her eyes twinkling, "Cuz, I take back everything I said about Aoshi. To me, he's a horse-faced, apple eatin' donkey."


	5. Chapter 5

Kelly rubbed a thumb over her nose. She looked at Jenny and stuck her tongue between her top lip and her teeth, making a 'smack' sound. "Y'know, for that remark, I shouldn't even bother tryin' to hook a brotha up. But I will, just so you can quit fantasizing about my Aoshi-sama. Hold on, I'll be right back."

Kelly walked from the room and went into the living area, where she was surprised to find Saito, just sitting there smoking a cigarette.

"Uh...Saito-san?"

"Oh, now it's 'Saito-SAN'? What do you want?" he snapped.

"Um, I know you apologized to Jenny and ev'rything, but um, could you just go in there and talk to her? She's pretty upset. It's kinda pathetic, actually."

"No. I'm not going to talk to her. She rejected my apology. And why should I talk to her anyways? She's nothing but a large headed, ape brained, banana peeling, and sticky fingered buffoon!"

"That was harsh. Well, fine. Then if you want to see poor Jenny kill herself over you, be my guest. Hehe, be our guest, be our guest, put our service to the test, tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie, and we'll provide the rest, hot hors'd'ouerves, cheese soufflé, pie and pudding en flambé, the service here is never second beeeeeest!"

"What?"

"Huh? Oh sorry, got a little carried away. Anyways, Jenny's liable to kill herself if you don't make some effort around here. I mean, I don't know about you, but I'd miss the jerk," Kelly said, and sniffed, "But, I guess that don't mean much to you. I'll leave you to your cigarette, since it's more important."

"O no, not you too. Ugh, if I talk to her, will you two behave?"

"Uh-huh," Kelly said in a small voice.

Saito got up, grumbling to himself. Kelly merely sat down, a slow, evil, shifty smile spreading over her face.

"Jenny?" Saito called, sliding the door open.

"What the hell do you want, you poor excuse for a man."

"Jenny, listen. I'm sorry I offended you and made you feel bad. Can we put this behind us?"

Jenny fought to keep the grin off her face. Good thing it was dark. "I don't know. Say it like you mean it and maybe I'll begin to trust you again, you big pile of bovine feces."

"Jenny, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

"I dunno. You still look like you're faking it, you dirty two timing bucket of chum."

"Please?"

"With sugar on top?"

"No! I'm not saying that!"

"Fine. I guess I have no reason to live anymore, thanks to your ol' non-apologizin' masturbatin' eight days a week cuz Tokio won't put out for your woman beating cunt faced ass."

"Please forgive me with sugar on top."

"I s'pose," Jenny said, and lunged. She managaed to hook both hands into the waistband of his western style pants and pull them down. Saito stood before her in all his underwear wearing glory.

"Aghhh!" Saito yelled, causing Kelly to appear on the scene.

"Wooo, go Jenny, it's your birthday, go Jenny, it's your birthday!"

Saito struggled to pull his pants back up, but Jenny wasn't having none of that garbage. She flung his pants across the room to Kelly, who quickly burned them.

"Ugh! To think I nearly fell for that charade!" Saito yelled.

"What do you mean 'nearly'? Nigga, you fell for that shit hook, line, and Jenny!" Kelly shouted, laughing her monkey ass off.

"Jenny, I am going to kill you!"

"Nonsense! C'mon, I'm pleasuring you! Let yourself be free like the wild musk ox. Cuz damn. You're stretchin' those briefs to the fullest."

"Jenny..." Saito growled.

"Ooooo, say it again," Jenny said, ripping the buttons off his shirt. "Hey, how come we never see you shirtless in the anime? We see Sano, Kenshin, and even Aoshi shirtless, but not you. Why?"

"I have more class," Saito said, grabbing at Jenny's wrists. "Ugh! How can you be faster than me?"

"Ohohohohohoho! It's my eye of the penis. It gets stronger every time I smell man-sweat. Namely yours!" Jenny said, closing one eye. She got all the buttons off his shirt, and pulled it the hell off, tossing it to Kelly, who wiped Eiji's ass with it.

Now, all that Saito was wearing was his draws and his undershirt. Jenny went to work after cracking her knuckles.

Saito was still struggling in Jenny's octopus-like grip. "Jenny, I'm warning you."

"Aw, shit, you can warn me all you like, I ain't lettin' go of SHIT!"

Saito actually look a little scared. If Tokio caught him in the girl's room, with his pants and shirt gone, she'd most likely mop the floor with him, "Don't even think about it!" he warned Jenny, as her grubby little hands got too close to this underwear.

Jenny pouted, and then looked over to Kelly for support, "Well, it's your funeral. You're lucky you got this far. You do realize that he will kill you, right? Is it worth it though?" Kelly didn't even need to ask again, the determined look on Jenny's grinning face said it all.

"Jenny, now cut this out at once," insisted Saito, ignoring the rubbing on this ass, "I-I'll take you out to eat with Kelly tomorrow." Jenny shook her head, "O-ok, I'll buy you both new kimonos," she still said no, "I'll take my shirt off… But that's it!"

Jenny thought about this for a moment. Then she spoke, quietly, "Hmmmm, you put down an interesting offer. I imagine that there are tons of Saito fans that would like to see what your obvious six-pack of a hard chest would look like. I being one of them. Yet, there's something more I want from you. Ohohohoohohoooo! Ahem, where was I? O yes, I want you to give me a kiss then, since you're not going to give me the obvious." She poked the bulge in his draws, causing him to flinch.

"That's it?" he raised his eyebrow skeptically, "You're lying."

"No no," cried Jenny, "I'll be happy knowing that the man I love gave me a big wet kiss with a tad of tongue."

"Gods, I'm going to hell," he said, rubbing forehead, "I'll do it, but you have to stop this wild behavior."

"Oh, I will," said Jenny, throwing a wink over to Kelly, who was beating Eiji down.

Saito leaned forward, but Jenny pushed his face back hard, "Ay! Take the shirt off! You promised, remember?"

Saito just growled and tossed his undershirt away angrily. Jenny and Kelly just stared in wonder as his muscular chest glistened and sparkled in the darkness.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh-meeeeeeeeeeeeeen," sang the cherubs.

Jenny looked up to the heavens, "Thank you, I swear, you'll see my bad Christian ass at church next Sunday." She even got within two inches of a nipple, eyes buggin' out, drooling like a leaky faucet.

"Can we get this over with _please_?"

Jenny was too enthralled with the mostly naked Saito in front of her to even notice he was talking, "Wah? Did you talk to me bulge? Yes, I will free you from the confining draws… It is my destiny…" Jenny's eyes glazed over and she looked like a zombie.

"Um, Jenny? Young lady! Stop looking at me down there!" cried Saito, trying to back away. Before he could get away, Jenny lunged at him.

"Raaaar!" she cried, straddling and kissing him repeatedly, "I love you Saito! Let's make babies!! Wow! You must be _really_ happy to see me! Ohohohohohohohohhooo!"

"Uhg, stop it. Kelly! Kelly where are you going?!" he hollered, trying to tear his lips away from the untamed jungle woman that had just jumped him, "Jenny! Don't touch that! Ow!"

"Aww, you know you like it. Mwahahahahaa!"

"Please! I'm a married man! We can't do _that_!"

"Oooo, you're married and yet you tempt millions of female Saito fans with your god-like body on TV! Now hold still and take it like a man!"

"No!! If you don't stop this I'll be forced to hurt you. Or... Mmmm… Stop that! I-I'm losing control!"

"It's ok, I won't mind at all. Oooooo! I don't see you trying to stop me anyways. What if I rubbed this?"

"Don't you dare," Saito growled, yet made no move to stop her.

"Watch me."

An animal-like groan filled the room, only making Jenny try harder.

Kelly walked the hell out, sliding the door shut and propping a chair up behind it, "Ya'll need some time alone. Take lots of pictures Jenny!" called Kelly from the other side of the looking glass.

"Excuse me," said a cultivated and non-ghetto voice, "Have you seen Hajime? He hasn't come to bed yet."

Kelly froze, coughing to mask the bordello sounds that were emitting from the room, "Oho, Tokio… Uhhh, Saito is outside, smoking."

"Smoking again?" she cried, shocked, "I'll have to go and scold him. Thank you." She walked away.

Kelly breathed a sigh of relief.

Back in the room…


	6. Chapter 6

"Ohohohohohohoo!" laughed Jenny insanely. "I got you right where I want you. Under me and half naked."

"You are a little hellion!" Saito shouted.

Outside, Kelly fought to keep a straight face as she heard the goings on in the room. Tokio came by again.

"Hajime wasn't out there. Are you sure that's where he is?"

"I thought that's where he was," Kelly said, talking loudly to cover up the sound of sex.

"You don't have to yell, I'm right in front of you. What was that?" Tokio asked, as a particularly loud noise floated their way.

"Nothing. Jenny just snores real loud."

"Hm. Wait, there it was again. It sounds like someone's in pain!"

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

More groaning came from inside the room.

"Ohohohoho, Saito!" Jenny said, followed by the sound of ripping cloth. "Muwahahahahha! I have you now!"

"What did she say?!" Tokio asked, making a move for the door. Kelly stepped in front of her.

"She talks in her sleep too. You know she has a thing for your husband. It's kind of disgusting, isn't it?"

Tokio gave Kelly a dirty look.

"I mean, that she's so obsessed with him. You're entitled to obsess cuz you're married to him, but Jenny? Naw, it's a little ridiculous."

"Stop blocking the door."

"What? Oh, I'm not blocking the door. I just want to keep you safe. Jenny likes to flail around in her sleep too."

"Move, or I'll move you."

"Tokioooooooooo!" Saito's voice screamed.

"Holy shit! Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!" Jenny shouted.

Tokio blasted right through Kelly, leaving a hole in the door.

"Hajime!" she yelled, seeing her husband completely naked.

"O my god, Jenny, you managed to totally strip him! Holy shit! That IS what I'm talkin' 'bout!"

At the distraction, Saito rolled over and grabbed a pillow, covering himself as best he could.

"Aw, man. Look what you did, Tokio. We was just about to fuck like rabbits 'round here, and then you had to show up. Can I finish? Please, can I finish? C-can can I finish? Ok I'm finished."

"How dare you do this to Hajime! After all he's done for you!"

"What do you mean, 'for you'? Change that shit to 'to you' cuz let me tell you. Hung," Jenny said, casting an appreciative eye at Saito's 2000 parts.

Meanwhile, Saito was lookin' mad as shit.

"Tokio, can you get me some clothes? These wild ape women destroyed mine."

"First tell me how these juveniles managed to get the better of you," Tokio demanded, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Ahem, yeah, I had nothing to do with it. All I did was get him in here. Jenny did the rest," Kelly said. Jenny smiled triumphantly.

Tokio raised an eyebrow and looked at Saito. "Well?"

"Earlier today, I handcuffed the girls together and made them hunt for the key. Jenny was mad at me and all depressed, so when we got back here, she went and pouted in the room. Kelly came out and told me that Jenny was really sad and just wanted to talk to me. So I went in there."

"Ahhh, I remember it like 'twas yesterday..." Jenny sighed.

"Things just went downhill after that. They stole my clothes and burned them. Kelly was out there on the look out for you, trying to keep you out. I swear I didn't want anything to do with these girls!"

"Was that before or after you promised to kiss Jenny?" Kelly asked, looking mighty interested in her fingernail.

"What?" Tokio said.

"I only said I'd kiss her if she behaved!"

"No, I distinctly remember you saying that you'd give her a big wet one with a little tongue," Kelly piped up again.

"That was Jenny!"

"Enough!" Tokio shouted. "Hajime, I'll talk to you later, since I don't trust a word that comes out of their mouths."

"Uh, Tokio...my clothes?"

"Just come on."

Saito got up and walked out, but not before Jenny smacked his naked pink luscious round firm muscular heavenly godlike flexing smooth beautiful scrumptious orgasmic ass. The door slid closed behind Tokio as she followed him out.

"So?" Kelly asked.

Jenny flopped down onto the mound of pillows. "It was simply wonderful. Ahh, I can't wait to try it again!'

"You know, you owe me some major cock for this. I hope you know that Aoshi is gonna be a little harder to get to than Saito, him being emotionless and all."

"Yeah yeah, don't worry, I got it covered. Unlike Saito!"

The two girls laughed.

Meanwhile, Saito and Tokio argued in the room next door. Finally the argument ended with Saito yelling, "Then don't believe me! I'm going to take a bath. I'll be on the couch after that," followed by a slam.

Jenny and Kelly looked at each other strangely.

"Damn, now I feel all bad. Breakin' up a family and everything…" Kelly looked down guiltily.

"S-saito… in the ba-ba-ba-bath!" cried Jenny, eyes wild.

"No you aren't even thinking about that!" yelled Kelly, "You SAW him naked! Isn't that enough to appease your ass giant head?"

Jenny pouted, "Well, actually… I only saw a split second of his absolute nakedness. But it looked really big!"

Kelly put a hand on her hip, "So, whachu tryin' to say? I know you ain't asking me to go into the bathhouse with you and try to help you rape him again, is you?"

"Yes!" Jenny said, eyes a twinkle.

Kelly sighed, "I suppose. He may just kill you this time you know."

"I'm ready to take the consequences," said Jenny, saluting, "Besides, I have an idea… Mwahahahahhaaaa!"

Kelly didn't like the sound of Jenny's evil laugh. She'd soon realize why.

10 minutes later

"So lemme get this straight," Kelly said, hand on her forehead, "You want to go into the bathhouse dressed as Tokio."

"Exactly!" Jenny cried, squeezing into one of Tokio's kimonos that were hanging outside on the line to dry, "It's dark in there. He won't know."

"You're just asking for another gatotsu," warned Kelly, "Maybe you should just live the rest of your life in a fake Saito fantasy world."

"I've done that already! I want the real thing!"

"Ok, ok," Kelly slightly opened the door to their room and peeked out, "The coast is clear. Tokio shouldn't be able to hear you two. The bathhouse is a good distance away. I'll block her door off, just in case. She can be a real shrew sometimes. I wanted to kick her ass dead in the face. Givin' me gotdamn attitude. She needs to go on with that shit."

Jenny shot Kelly a thumb up and took off down the hall, to infinity and Saito's naked beyonds.

Jenny tiptoed outside, scared out her damn mind. The bathhouse was up ahead, dark inside save for a small candle on the front step. She took a deep gulp of air and pushed the door open, making a point to sniff the pile of clothing at the entrance. It was steamy inside, and eerily quiet, except for the relaxed breathing of Saito. He was at the far corner of the bath, head against the wall, eyes closed. Jenny had to stop herself from singing, "I smell sex and candy."

"Uhh, Hajime," called Jenny in her damn near perfect Tokio voice, "I came to apologize for the way I acted."

Saito's eyes popped open and he searched the darkness, "Sweetheart? It's late; you should get back to sleep. You don't have to apologize; I'm the one at fault here."

"I shouldn't have blamed everything on you," replied Toki-Jenny, "It's all those two oafs! I wish they were out of our lives! Or dead. Whichever comes first."

Saito sighed, "You must not blame them. They're just young and misguided… Especially Jenny. Now I know what goes on in that large head of hers. Little hentai."

Jenny tried to stifle a laugh, "Hehe- You know you enjoyed it, you animal… I mean! You hate them, right Hajime?"

"I don't hate them," he replied, "I just don't like them. Say, why don't you join me in here? Hmm? We haven't had time alone together for a while…"

There was a ripping of clothing and then a large splash.

"T-Tokio?!" cried Saito, covering his eyes from the spray, 'What's gotten in to you?"

"You've held out on me for so long!" cried Jenny, swimming towards him, "I-I was so jealous when I saw that beautiful Jenny girl trying to have her way with you! You looked pretty excited too…"

"Tokio…" Saito grabbed Jenny's hand, "I love you and only you. You know that."

"Then why would you get aroused like that?" Jenny crossed her fingers while chanting, 'Cuz Jenny's sexy Jenny's sexy Jenny's sexy'.

"Ahhh, does it really matter?" growled Saito, pulling Jenny onto his chest. He grabbed her other hand and led it down through the water, "See what you do to me?"

Jenny nearly exploded. She gasped and sputtered water as her hand gripped something long, hard, and full of goodness.

"My GOD!" she cried, biting her lip, trying to regain control.

"What? What's wrong now?" Saito sounded worried.

"N-nothing!" Jenny managed to say, "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. I mean, my goodness Saito. You certainly are a man."

He chuckled, pulling her closer, "And you certainly are a woman." His hands went a roving.

"Stop!" cried Jenny, trying to get away, "What the hell are you doing! Do you realize what you just grabbed! Help! Hentai!! Help!!!"

"Oooh, trying to play hard to get," he grinned evilly, reaching out and touching items not of his property, "I love it when you do that. Now come here so I can have my way with you. Little vixen…"

"N-no!!" cried Jenny, swimming around in a circle, as Saito chased her, "I didn't plan this far ahead! I'm the one supposed to molest you! Not vice versa!"

"C'mere!" cried Saito, lunging at her. He damn near drowned Jenny, and she resurfaced flailing her arms, "Now I got you!" Before Jenny could try to get away again, he gave her the smooch of her life.

Jenny fainted dead away in the water, but only for a moment. Saito pulled her back up, "What's the matter? Don't you want me?" He sounded like a baby.

"It's not that, believe me," stammered Jenny, "I just thought that the process involved me ravishing you. That's all."

"Oho, we'll have plenty of time for that later," Jenny didn't like the tone of his voice," But you're not getting away from me, honey. I know what you like…" A hand touched Jenny's thigh, causing her to gulp…


	7. Chapter 7

Meanwhile, Kelly leaned outside the door to Tokio's room, listening to clothing rustle. Satisfied that Two Bit Hooker 8000 wasn't going to cause any problems, Kelly went to go see what was shakin' down at the bath house. She put her ear against the door and listened to splashing, squealing, and all around horse play. Kelly smiled, knowing that Jenny was getting hers tonight.

Suddenly, Kelly heard Jenny squeal. "Hey, I'm supposed to be the one ravishing you, not vice versa!"

Uh-oh, Kelly thought. Looks like Jenny's plan worked too well. Oh well, I'll see what happens.

"C'mon, you know you like it."

"Oooo, Sa--I mean, Hajime, you certainly know how to please a woman. Now, let's go back to bed."

"I thought you liked to play in the tub."

"I do, but...well; I just don't feel like it tonight. Come on."

"Why go back to bed when we're just gonna have to come back in here anyways?"

"Why would we have to come back here?"

"Well, aren't we going to be dirty?"

"Ewww! Nasty!"

"Tokio? You sound a little odd. Is everything ok?"

"Uh, yeah, everything's fine," Toki-Jenny said, started to lose the Tokio part of her voice.

"No, something's wrong. C'mon, you can tell me what it is."

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Ok, then..."

"Eeeek! Hajime! Get your hand out of there!"

"Why?"

"I--I--Hey! Ok, you REALLY need to get your hand out of there!"

"I thought you liked that!"

"Well, I don't!"

Suddenly, Saito stopped playing around and really tried to figure out who was in front of him. His hands wandered all over Jenny's body, finally coming to a rest on top of her head.

"Tokio...When did you cut your hair?"

"Um, yesterday?"

"JENNY!" Saito roared, shooting out of the tub like a damn NASA Saturn 5 rocket. "You...you, you BITCH!!! How dare you impersonate my wife!"

Kelly chose that moment to appear. "Um, you guys got about 5 minutes to get the shouting match over with," she said, pointing at her watch.

"What?"

"Yeah, I figure that's how long it'll take Tokio to break down that barricade I set up. I can hear her gnawing at it already. Putting those horse teeth to good use, I think."

Saito grabbed a towel. "Both of you! OUT! OUT! OUT!"

There was a huge crash, followed by several obscenities. Tokio came running up, Saito's sword in hand.

"Tokio, I'm going to kill these two."

"Whoa! She got out of her cage with the quickness. Apparently, that wall wasn't as good as I thought. You should get that checked, Saito. The walls in this house are, well, ghetto."

"Jenny. Come here," Saito said menacingly.

"Um, as much as I'd really like to, I don't think that you have my health in mind. So I'll pass up on that offer."

"Jenny. Now."

"No thanks."

"J...e...n...n...y..."

"Rrrright," Jenny said, that started to run away.

Kelly and Tokio stood there for a few seconds, before Tokio turned a hateful glare to the other criminal in the man-snatchin' of Saito fiasco.

Kelly waved and smiled. "Hi."

"You're dead."

"Ack!" Kelly screamed, running in the direction of Saito and Jenny.

"It was a misunderstanding!" cried Jenny, backing away from Saito and an equally pissed off Tokio, "I mean, we was ju' playin'! He didn't get anything, I didn't get anything. No harm done, right?"

"What did she touch Hajime," Tokio turned her anger towards her husband, "And you better tell me the truth!"

Saito gulped, "E-everything dear."

"Everything? The Everything? You don't mean," she glanced back at Jenny, who was hiding behind Kelly, "Everything?"

"Ay! It's not like I forced him to let me touch that," Jenny called, still hiding, "He put my hand there! Of course I'm gonna cop a few-- dozen feels. I didn't hold on that long! He's not tainted you know, no good hussy."

"Excuse me?" Tokio stomped forward, rolling up her nightgown's sleeves, "I will not be disrespected in my own home! Jenny, I'm your elder, come here this instant for a spanking."

"Whoa whoa whoa," cried Kelly, stepping away from all the violence, "Is that a location on Jenny that you'd want to venture?"

Before Jenny could escape, Tokio planted a firm, eardrum shattering whap on Jenny's exposed ass.

"Ow!" cried Jenny, eyes getting all watery. She bit her lip, "That didn't hurt too bad….sniff sniff."

"Oho, you wait until I'm through with you," said Saito, stepping forward, "You're going to wish that you'd let me kill you…"

"Noooo!" Jenny cried, and passed out in a heap on the ground.

Kelly jumped before her melon headed friend, "You can't spank her ass! That's Jenny abuse! And Saito, she'd enjoy that!"

Saito smirked evilly, "O, believe me; she'll never want me to touch her after this."

Kelly thought for a moment, "Maybe you're right. Proceed." She stepped out of the way and covered her ears.

The sound of hand impacting on ass could be heard for miles and miles.

Jenny and Kelly sleepily made their way out of their bedrooms to breakfast. Jenny had a large bandage on her ass.

"God, why the hell does my ass hurt so much?" she said, rubbing it before she sat down at the dining room table, "One moment I was getting molested by some guy, the next, my ass hurts. Hey, you don't think…"

"No I don't," cried Kelly, sitting down next to her, "Believe me, that's NOT what happened."

Saito walked in, looking unusually happy, "Morning Kelly." He eyed Jenny warily, "Jenny…"

"Goodmorning!" Jenny reached for a plate of food, not seeing the startled look on Tokio and Saito's face, "I slept like a baby. Boy o boy. Mmmm… this food is delicious Tokio-san! You'll have to give me the recipe!"

"Uhhh, sure."

"Are you feeling ok?" Kelly looked at Jenny crazy, "What the hell's wrong with you?"

"I'm just happy to be in the company of friends!"

"Ok, you're not fooling me," said Saito, getting all up in her face, "What are you planning now? Hiding in the bathroom? In my closet? In the bathhouse again?"

Jenny looked shocked, "Saito-san! What are you saying!"

"Hmmm," Saito looked her over carefully, "Clear eyes, lack of evil in the smile, no drool. I think last night may have cured her."

"Cured me? Wha? What happened last night? O wait! You're talking about Sano and I in the bathhouse, right? Well, that's none of your business sir. What goes on in our sex life is not for prying eyes."

"Hold up, hold up," Kelly called a damn time-out, cuz this shit was getting silly, "You hate Sanosuke, firstly. Secondly, you have no sex life, and thirdly, you love Saito, not that stupid salmonella carryin' Futae No Nothin' Ain't Getting Broke Kiwami, loser."

"I'm going to kill you," roared Jenny, pouncing on Kelly, "How could you make up those terrible lies! Saito-san is married! And Sano-chan is my boyfriend! Take it back."

Saito couldn't help but laugh, "So, let me get this straight. You're in love with that aho? This is too good."

"It could be a trap," said Tokio, still watching Jenny carefully, "We should test her. Let her grab your ass Hajime."

"Tokiooooo!"

"Just do it!"

"Fine," he growled angrily, "Jenny, 'ju grab my ass?" He placed her hand on his backside.

"EEEEEEWWWWW!!!" squealed Jenny, "Kelly! What the hell is he doing?"

"Sorry sorry," he apologized, trying to quiet her screams.

"You totally mutilated my friend," sulked Kelly, "Now she's not going to be nearly as much fun."

"Its better this way," Saito said, watching a bluebird land on Jenny's shoulder, "I won't have to kill now." She started to sing to it.

"Come young Kelly!" laughed Jenny, "Let's go and make flower necklaces! Thanks for the wonderful breakfast Tokio-san. Saito-san."

Kelly followed Jenny outside, where she was in the grass braiding daisies like some loser from Little House on the Prairie.

"Jenny!" whined Jelly, plopping down next to her, "Snap out of it! You're really acting…gay!"

Suddenly Jenny became serious, "C'mon now. Even you should know I'm faking here. It took ever ounce of my will to stop myself from throwing the man down on the table and freaking him while eating breakfast." Then she winked.

"Whew, you scared me for a second," Kelly said relieved, "I thought you were really in love with Rurouni Kenshin's weakest man. I mean, Sanosuke couldn't even scratch you if you injected him with Mike Tyson DNA and slapped some fighting gloves on him."

"Ahhh, but he'd still continue going to jail, right?"

"That's very true."

Without warning, Jenny's eyes suddenly became wild with anger, "L-look. In the window… It's terrible!"

Kelly turned and saw the silhouette of Saito kissing Tokio in the house.

"What a total prostitute!" cried Jenny, getting ready to get up and slap the banana bread outta her, "And in broad daylight! What is she thinking?"

"She's thinking, 'I love my husband and want to kiss him'," explained Kelly, her words obviously not reaching Jenny, "Besides! You had your chance. I'm very disappointed in you."

"Huh?"

"I mean, when it came down to it, you were a total chicken!" taunted Kelly, Jenny's coconut looking more like a tomato at the moment, "I heard you last night. Trying to get away from him. What's your damn problem?"

"W-well," Jenny stammered, "It was because I have a cold, that's it. I didn't want him to catch it. Hehe. But next time for sure, I'll have him!"

"Yeah right. So you can run away again like a chicken-pot Sano-pie. Cold my ass."

"B-but, he was so grabby! I'm supposed to be the grabby one! And he was pointy!"

"Uhhh, didn't anyone ever teach you about the birds and the bees? There are two sides here, and you're missing the most important one."

"Teach me, o wise Yoda."

Kelly sighed, "This is totally embarrassing. Ok ok…"

10 minutes later, after about thirty surprised facial expressions from Jenny, she finally got it.

"So, lemme get this straight. I'm supposed to turn him on, and then he's supposed to… Are you sure? This sounds like something outta Tales from the Crypt!"

"I'm 100 sure."

"Ok, when he was chasing me… That meant he…O God, I nearly got skewered by a metric meter!"

Someone walking towards them caught there attention. He had a trench coat on, and radiated sexy psychopath out of every orifice.

"Whoa, who's the hunk of damn?"

Kelly rubbed her eyes in disbelief, "Holy God sitting on a totem pole. T-that's Aoshi! And he's walking over here!"

"I have no idea why though. He knows that I love Saito and Saito only."

Kelly glared at her.

Saito jogged from the house and talked to Aoshi for a second. All the while, Saito was looking at Aoshi like he was a pansy.

"What's going on?" asked Jenny.

Kelly ran forward, ducking behind any object in their path, "Secret Agent Kelly, Secret Agent Kelly, they've given her an Aoshi, and taken away her name…"

"Kelly!" yelled Saito, "Get up! I can see you trying to hide behind that flower. Now where were we Shinomori?"

"If it wouldn't be too much of a burden, we were wondering if we could stay here while the Aoiya gets repaired. Normally I'd ask the Battousai, but they seem to have had enough houseguests already."

Kelly tried to count the number of words that Aoshi rattled off, but for some odd reason had to stop at ten.

"I've also had my share," he looked evilly at Jenny in the distance and then at Kelly, who was gazing up at Aoshi with puppy eyes, "But Tokio and I wouldn't mind at all. Please come as soon as you can."


	8. Chapter 8

Aoshi walked off, leaving Saito and the girls to themselves.

"What was that all about?" Jenny asked.

"The Oniwabanshu are going to stay here for a while until the Aoiya gets repaired. I'll have to ask you two to clean up a little bit. What's wrong with her?" Saito asked, pointing at Kelly. She was lying on the ground, grinning hard as fuck with her eyes closed sleepily.

Jenny booted her. "Get up, whore!"

"Wha? Hey now, I don't kick you all hard when you're in the middle of a fantasy about our favorite pyscho cop."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Sano isn't a cop. And like he would ever stoop so low as to being a cop."

"Oh really? So you're saying that your man is a flaming queer?"

"What!? I didn't say anything like that. Besides, Sai--ano is not gay, you used tire raper!"

"That's not what I heard. I also heard that you were caught in a bad position, if you know what I mean, with a certain canine. Oh wait, I didn't hear that, I saw that. Last night, while you two were almost fucking in the tub!"

Jenny got all up in Kelly's grill. "You best quit talkin' shit 'bout my man, hoebeast. Saito and I were not almost fucking! We were just..."

"You little liar! That whole thing at breakfast was an act, huh? I should have expected nothing else from you," Saito said disgustedly.

"Uhhhh..."

"Haha, busted!"

"I don't know what you're laughing at. I'm tempted to tell Shinomori that he shouldn't come."

"Ahhh! No, you can't do that! I'll be good I promise!"

3 hours later.

"This bein' good bullshit is hard work. I mean, Misao's walked by me twice today and I didn't say anything about her hidden man-parts," Kelly said, wiping the sweat from her forehead.

"I know what you mean."

"No you don't! You've been walking around grabbing Saito's ass every time he turns around. I think it's gotten to the point where either he doesn't notice or he doesn't care anymore."

"Yay! I'm wearing him down!"

Just then, Aoshi walked by.

"Hello, Aoshi-sama!" Kelly sid, and waved at him. He just looked at her and kept walking. "Jeeesus! Lookit that ass move!!"

"Yeah, it's gonna keep moving if you don't do something about it. Tell you what. I'll go put in a good word for you with Aoshi. That way we'll be even."

"Are you stupid or something? No way in hell would that make us even, you cheapskate. Man, I expect some tub time around here. See if you can swindle him into taking a bath or something."

"That's going to be hard. Why don't wait till he takes one on his own?"

"C'mon now. That would be like asking you to wait until Saito crawls under the covers before going to molest him."

"Fine fine. Give me a minute," Jenny said huffily.

5 minutes later.

"Dammit, Jenny, that was more than a damn minute. What'd you do, take a shit while you were at it?"

Jenny looked at her irritable friend. "That was way nasty. Like I'm going to tell you any of that. Anyways, Aoshi's in the bathhouse right now. Go knock yourself out."

"Hehehe, I'm going to. Keep Misao occupied."

"No prob. All I have to do is find something shiny."

The two girls split up.

Kelly arrived at the bathhouse, and looked at the trail of mud and general dirtiness that led up the steps.

"What the fuck? Aoshi-sama, do you need anything while I'm here?" Kelly asked.

"Hm. Some towels, please."

"You don't have any in there?"

"No."

Kelly damn near keeled over right there. "Uhh, sure, hold on a sec," she said, trying to sneak in. She crept silently through the door and slithered along the floor like a snake, keeping out of sight of Aoshi, who was leaning back contentedly.

Now that she was this far, Kelly didn't know what to do next. 'I got it,' she thought.

"BLBLBLBLABLAAHLBLABALAAH!" she shouted, causing Aoshi to jump from the tub and grab his kodachis. Kelly stood there in amazement.

"Aghghghhhhhghhghg..."

"What are you doing?" Aoshi asked.

"Damn," Kelly said, leaning forward, almost to where her nose touched his chest, "It's like one of those magic eye things. Hm, I've never been very good at those, but I think I see a tall, dark, and sinister fine ass man!!" she exclaimed, looking at his scars.

"Get out."

"No, I don't really think so. Just go about your business and pretend I'm not here."

"Fool," he said, and physically threw her out like Phil does to Jazz on Fresh Prince.

"Waaaahhh!!" ::Thump:: "Well, if at first you don't succeed..."

"Waaaahhh!!" ::Thump:: "Third time's a charm."

"Waaaahhh!!" ::Thump:: "Grrr."

"Waaa--oof! What the shit! Jenny, I know you ain't tryin' to peek at my man."

"Wh-what are you talking about?" Jenny asked, looking real damn guilty.

"You were the one that 'accidentally' dumped the bucket of mud on me," Aoshi said.

"What? Jenny, you didn't!"

"I did. I think I'm going to try that on Saito in a second."

"I'd like to see you try it," said Saito behind her.

"Uhhh… I'll be going now," Jenny zipped away, no doubt going to cause chaos in other parts of the house.

"Now Kelly," said Saito slowly, "I want you to stay away from Shinomori. I also want you to stay away from that aho Jenny. She's trouble."

"Yessir," replied Kelly, throwing Saito a salute.

Aoshi quietly returned to his bath, surprisingly without saying a word…

Later that evening, Jenny and Kelly wandered the house, bored out of their minds. Kelly kept watching out for something. Or, as Jenny suspected, someone.

"The FED's after you or somethin'?"

Kelly looked up, a stream of drool leaking down her face, "Huh?"

Jenny sighed, "Kell, Kell, Kell… It's best to just forget about Aoshi. I mean, he's way out of your league. Now take the relationship me and Hajime have going. It's like magic."

"Relationship? What the hell are you babbling about?"

"What do you mean?!"

"Well, he don't exactly like you much," replied Kelly, breakin' it down for the simp in front of her, "In fact, I think he hates you. Lemme tell you why too. You're way too aggressive. I mean, the poor guy has been grabbed at, pinched, prodded, yanked, held… You think he wants all that? Nah. Men like women that do whatever they're told. They don't want to be constantly manhandled! They want a quiet, flower of a woman, like Toki-hoe for example. You on the other hand, are loud, obnoxious, obsessed, and don't let me forget a coward. Yeah, I won't ever forget your little adventure in the bathhouse. Ya damn pansy."

Jenny latched on to Kelly's leg, "Tell me what to do then! I'm a retard!"

"Well, you need to start acting more respectable," Kelly paced back and forth, a pipe in her mouth, and a hand placed thoughtfully on her chin, "Real women don't just jump men like wild chimps. They don't rip clothing off with teeth, or grab ass repeatedly."

Jenny jotted down the notes on her hand, listening intently.

"And most importantly, you can't expect a 35 year old man to take a 19 year old seriously."

Jenny's face visibly dropped, "So… H-he won't ever love me because I'm basically a kid in his eyes?"

"Elementary my dear Sasquatch!"

"What can I do then? Is there any hope?"

Kelly thought for a moment, looking for the entire world like Higgins from Magnum PI, "Hmmm, maybe if you apologize to Saito…"

"Even better! I'll apologize to Tokio too! Saito's bound to see me for the intelligent, mature college student that I am! Thanks Kelly!" Jenny skipped off happily.

"Finally got rid of her," muttered Kelly, tearing down the hall like an animal, "AOOOOOOOOOOOO-shi!!" Her bone-chilling howl even made her shiver. She sniffed the air and suddenly froze. Her prey was near…

Aoshi was just getting ready for bed, finishing up his psychotic 'dead men' chant. He had just crawled under the Beshimi printed covers when he heard his door squeak open slightly.

"Misao-chan?"

"No…" came the scary reply.

Aoshi didn't know what to say for the first time in his entire life.

A hand appeared at the edge of his bed, and then another.

"Uhhh…"

Two legs followed soon after, and then Kelly's head popped up, "Good even-ning…."

"Oh, it's just you," replied Aoshi, giving her an ice-cold stare, "What do you want now?"

Kelly laughed insanely, "Oho, wouldn't you like to know?"

"Actually, yes I would."

Kelly suddenly and without just cause, lunged at Aoshi, pinning his arms down to his side, "Mwahahhaa!"

"Get off!" Aoshi struggled wildly, "I don't even know you!"

Just then, Jenny walked by the door and did a double take, "Whoa whoa whoa, time-out here."

"Jenny! What brings you to my humble bordello?" asked Kelly, jumping up and down on Aoshi's chest, trying to make him calm down.

"What the hell are you doing?! You rattled off all that jazz about me being stupid for chasing and manhandling Saito, and here you are manhandlin' Aoshi and his elephantitis! Ta ta! I'm off to assault some wolf!" Jenny ran away, making Xena noises.

"Now, where was I?" Kelly practically drowned the poor man with buckets of drool, "So, how do you want it?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You know," Kelly nodded her head towards a galaxy far far away and under a sheet, "Complimentary hand job to go with that face cleaning I promised you?"

Aoshi stared at her in shock.

"I'll take that as a yes," Kelly shredded his sheets with one with one look.

"Stop this already!" Aoshi said, his voice still calm even in the face of utter danger.

"Heeeeeeell naw!" Kelly ripped his shirt off savagely, like some nature program, "Jenny got to fondle Saito, so I'm entitled to some Aoshi! Now buck up boy! It's rodeo time! Yeeeee haw!"

Aoshi suddenly broke loose and managed to wrestle Kelly down. He pinned her to the bed, much to her delight, breathing heavily and looking sexy, "Now, you're going to stop this right now," he growled.

"The hell I am," she cried, hypnotized by his purty blue eyes, "Are you ticklish, Aoshi-sama?" Before he could answer, one of her hands shot up and started to rub on his chest.

"You're not tickling me."

"I know, I just wanted to feel you up," replied Kelly, her snake hands moving lower, "Hey! Am I invited to the party in your pants? Cuz, I don't have an invitation."


	9. Chapter 9

"What party?" Aoshi asked.

"Look'ere. You fine, and I need some lovin'. Put two and two together, Aoshi-sama," Kelly said.

"You want me?"

"You goddamn right I do! It's about muthafuckin' time you caught on, too! I was getting' tired of waitin' fo' you ol' dense ass."

Aoshi sat square on Kelly's stomach.

"Ooof. Oh man, I can just imagine where all that weight is comin' from, too," Kelly said, her wandering hands still wandering in the vicinity of Aoshi's left nipple.

"You listen to me, little girl. I am not the kind of man that you want to piss off."

"You mean you're not a raving psychopath that oozes sexuality? Aw man, and here I thought I was making progress. Oh well, I can fix that," Kelly said, as her hands wandered lower.

Just before Kelly could get to the big top, Aoshi's door suddenly opened and closed. Saito leaned against the frame, panting slightly. He turned and took in the sight before him.

"Sh-shi-shiiiiit," he said.

"Saito-san. This girl is crazy. She came in here and tried to give me a…what did you call it?"

"Hand-job."

"You two certainly are a pair," Saito said.

"You think so too, huh? Well, maybe you can knock some sense into Aoshi-sama here, cuz he doesn't think that we belong together forever."

"No, I meant that you and Jenny are a pair."

"A pair of what?"

"Oh, I don't know. But hopeless crazy bigheaded and hentai comes to mind."

"Ay! I'm not bigheaded!" Kelly objected. Aoshi stood up, leaving Kelly's vision mammoth-cock free. "Awwww."

"I apologize for this, Shinomori. If I had known that this was going to happen, I wouldn't have let you stay."

"…" said Aoshi.

"You, Kelly, get out and go to your room," Saito said, pointing.

"I really don't think you want me to open that door, Saito."

"Hmph, the hell I don't. Now get out!"

"Ok, but don't say I didn't warn you!" Kelly said, as she stood and opened the door. Jenny tumbled in, head first, surprisingly enough. Kelly closed the door.

"Now, normally I wouldn't suggest this," Jenny said, "But go ahead and keep the party goin'," she said, and tackled Saito. Kelly tackled Aoshi and the four of them wrestled with each other. Saito and Aoshi were falling all over the place, trying to get away from the sex-starved battle queens. As soon as one got up, Jenny or Kelly would trip him and send him into the arms of the appropriate fondler. This went on for a good ten minutes before they started to get tired.

"Whew, molesting is hard work, shit. I don't know about you, Jenny, but I think I need some kind of reward after all this."

"I hear that," she said, and made one last lunge at Saito, who was not paying attention. Jenny straddled him and tore the remainders of his shirt the fuck off, while Kelly did the same to Aoshi.

"Ohohoohohohohoo!" the girls chorused, as they gradually declothed their men. Now stripped to just undies, Jenny and Kelly stood back form their handy work. Both men were completely unconscious.

"I'm gonna wait till they wake up before I have my way them," Jenny said.

"What the hell. What's this 'they' bullshit? You can have Saito, but hell and DAMN if you're gonna molest my Aoshi."

"Aww, I was thinkin' we could share!"

"No. I'm having Aoshi all to myself tonight. And every night after that too. You can kiss ass."

"You're so mean! Whatever happened to everything I have is yours and everything you have is mine?"

"I don't recall agreeing to that. And besides, you know if I let have Aoshi, you gotta let me have Saito."

Jenny thought about that for a sec. "Yousa point is well seen."

Aoshi groaned a little, a sign that he was coming (hehehehehehe) back to life. "Ooops, sorry Jenny, but I've got work to do," Kelly said, and pounced on poor Aoshi. She leaned over and gave him a big wet kiss, complete with tongue. Aoshi's eyes snapped open. He saw that Kelly was ravaging his mouth, and hit bit down. Hard.

"HO-WY WIVING FUCK!! AGHHHHHHHH! MY TONGUE, YOU BATHTARD, YOU BIT MY TONGUE!!"

"I told you I was the wrong kind of man to piss off," Aoshi said, spitting out the very tip of Kelly's abused tongue. And oh my God, there was a smile on his face.

Saito and Jenny looked on, dumbfounded. Jenny looked at Saito, then back to Kelly, then at Saito again.

"Don't even think about it. You'll lose more than your tongue if you pull that shit with me."

"Awww," Jenny said, her fun spoiled.

Saito sighed. "I suppose I'll have to call a doctor or something. But hopefully you'll lose the rest of that tongue. That way I'll only have to worry about one loudmouth."

Kelly writhed in the floor in total pain, "'ALLP!! I CUNT FWEEL MY MWOUTH!"

"Jenny, get off me, I have to get the doctor," said Saito, trying to get up.

"Tsk, you think just because Kelly was retarded enough to ram her nasty tongue down Aoshi's throat that I'm gonna leave Saito-Airbase? Huh, and I thought we were soul mates," Jenny said disgustedly.

In a moment of anger, Saito flipped Jenny over his shoulder and marched out the door with her, "Kelly help! He's gonna try it again with me! I'm scared!! Nooooooooooooo!! Saito, put me doooown!! Please don't poke me! Wait! Don't take me into Jiya's room!! AAAAAAAAHHH!"

"Ooooo," said a voice that could only belong to Jiya, "Come back for seconds?" Immediately followed by Jenny screeching at the top of her lungs.

Aoshi looked down at Kelly, who was beginning to turn purple in the face, "At least you learned a lesson here."

Saito came back in a few minutes later, dusting his hands off, the shrill sounds of Jenny being molested echoing through the air, "Ok, doctor's on the way. I apologize again for this Shinomori, I thought that for once these mindless idiots would behave."

"It's no trouble at all," replied Aoshi, trying his best to button his ripped clothing, "Tokio-san told me that you're having your own problems with the other girl."

"She told you about that? How embarrassing," sighed Saito, "I don't know what's gotten into them all of a sudden. They used to be, I can't believe I'm saying this but, semi-well behaved."

Kelly got up, the very picture of pathetic, "Hwow cwome you nevar bwit Jwenny's tung?"

Saito snorted, "The aho never tried that with me. If she did, I'd skin her alive. Much worse than losing an inch of tongue I think," he turned towards Aoshi, "Yet, I think you overreacted. These are just children, and you don't exactly have a wife or anything to worry about."

"So you think I was too rough with her?" Aoshi said. The smell of loser filled the room for no reason.

Saito nodded, lighting a cigarette.

Suddenly the door burst open, and Jenny ran in dressed scantily, "Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!" She had a cigarette hanging off her whore-red painted lips, fake eyelashes, a garter belt, high heel shoes, a low skirt with a feather back, and left nothing to the imagination. She looked up at Saito, who was looking rather shocked, "Vhat are vous lookin' at? Do vous like, eh?" She winked.

"Jenny? What in the name of decency are you up to now?" cried Saito. He ran forward with a sheet, trying to cover the lunatic up.

Jenny hopped away and grabbed a chair, which she stepped up on, showing more leg than a giraffe, "Im cabaret, au cabaret, to cabaret!!!" she sang, doing kicks.

"O my gods," Saito shook his head, in disbelief.

Jenny suddenly stopped kicking, and then sat on the chair, in a rather disgusting pose, "I'm 'sinking vous need more conzideration? Vell, let me tell vous about mine talents." She fanned herself with a large fan, giggling like a tramp.

"Jwenny! Gwet down!' yelled Kelly, throwing things at the slut, "You fink Saito's gwoing to fwall for that?"

"Oui Oui!" Jenny said, throwing the chair aside and stepping up to Saito slowly, "Now vhere is mine announzer?" She dramatically looked at the door, hand over eyes,

Jiya ran into the room, shirt gone, body painted with white, "Meine Damen und Herren, Mesdames et Messieurs, Ladies and Gentlemen! Guten Abend, bon soir, good evening! Wie geht's? Comment ca va? Do you feel good? (yeah, I bet you do) Ich bin euer Conferencire; je suis votre compere... I am your host!"

Jenny hung on Jiya's arm, like he was her pimp or something, "Ahhhh, I see you're interested in the very beautiful, very naughty Jenny," Jiya said, slapping her ass, "Well let me tell you, gentlemen, she's quite the catch and let's just say her talents stretch even further than these long legs of hers."

Jenny giggled appropriately, but not before walking up to Saito and blowing him a kiss.

"I think she likes you," winked Host Jiya, "The first thing I have to say about Jenny! She has a tendency to domineer her men, but believe me; I haven't got a single complaint yet!" Jenny cracked a large whip, taking a single button from Saito's shirt.


	10. Chapter 10

Kelly suddenly jumped up. "Howld on dawg. I fought tfhis was s'posed ta be a pwivate me & Aowshi woom. Ya'll gonna have ta go on."

"Ah, vous don't appreziate my cabaret? Well, fuck you then!" Jenny said, looking angrier than a hobo whose newspapers were stolen. "You sonsabitches!" she said for pretty much no reason, shaking her fist.

"Wokay. Swaito, cwan we gwet a damn dwoctow in this bitchhshs?" Kelly asked, drooling and bleeding all over the damn place.

"Please," Aoshi said, with more attitude than a barrel of Barbara Streisands.

The next day…

Kelly stood in front of Aoshi's bedroom door, tapping her foot impatiently and looking at her watch. "Damn tired ass bastard."

Aoshi finally opened the door, looking completely disgusted. "What do you want now?"

"I want a damn apology, you filthy, no good, Osama bin Laden face, tongue chewin' ass bastard!"

"Excuse me? You want me to apologize to you? Who stuck their tongue down whose throat?"

"What the hell. Normally I'd like hearing you say more than 2 words, but not when you get a goddamn attitude."

Aoshi pushed past Kelly and made his way to breakfast, mumbling something about Hannya.

Jenny tumbled sleepily out of a closet, "Man, I'm so tired. I had to try and stop Saito and Tokio from getting it on next-door. I was pounding on that bastard wall all night. Looks like my cabaret performance almost gave Tokio some tender lovin' care. Damn him. That was my erection! I earned it! I bet he wasted it jerking off all night."

Someone coughed behind her, "Goodmorning," Saito looked evilly down at Jenny, "Because of you, I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. I also didn't get… Well, nevermind."

Kelly snorted, "Yeah right, I heard you in the bathroom. Damn two hours. I never saw you as the type to masturbate like a fiend."

"Y-you wasted it then! You sick sick SICK man! Lemme see that hand," Jenny grabbed his hand and began to stroke it like a pet, "Oho, my pretty. More where that came from. Plenty more. Woo hoo! Saito! Calm down you animal! You're going to sprain something!" She watched his groin intently.

Saito snatched his hand back, "Enough already. This is it. I've had enough!"

"Did I give you blueballs? O my God! I'm so sorry!"

He gave her an evil look and stomped away.

"Ahhh, Aoshi-sama… He almost ate my tongue," said Kelly, dreaming of the beautiful night, "I wish he'd eat something else… Ohohohohohohohhoho!"

Jenny crawled away, following Saito into his bedroom like some sort of demented smelling hound.

Suddenly the air filled with ass and crayon smell, "What the hell were you doing last night to Aoshi-sama!" Misao stood in front of Kelly, looking like something out of Sesame Street.

"We had wild animal sex on your bed," replied Kelly, trying to connect the dots on Misao's chubby crayon marked face.

"Well, stay the hell away from him! He's mine!" Misao pushed Kelly against a wall, looking like a shim.

"You needs to be taking those damn grubby hands offa me," warned Kelly, giving her a 'Bernie Mac' look, complete with wandering eyes, "Don't make me throw you in a pile of shit again, cuz I heard Jiya just get off the can."

Without warning, Misao tossed her huggies brand diaper in Kelly's face, blinding her, "KEEEEEEEEEEICHOOOOOOO KICK!" Instead of Kelly, she ended up kicking Tokio dead in her underworked jaw. She collapsed in a heap of whore on the ground.

"O my God Misao!" shouted Kelly loud enough for the entire household to hear, "You killed Saito's wife!"

"What?!" came the distant roar of Saito. He ran out of his room, half naked with Jenny clinging to his back like a leach, "Tokio!! What happened?!"

But no reply came, cuz her ass was dead to the world.

"Misao drop kicked her in the face," cried Kelly, pointing, "Then she called your privates shriveled and nasty!"

Jenny gave Misao a crazy look, "Believe me, there's nothing shriveled or nasty about that area on Saito-san. It's like a garden hose; it keeps going and going and going…"

"Shut up Jenny." Saito bent over to pick his wife up, who had a size 2 and a half shoe print on her hairy face.

Aoshi walked up next. "What's all the hullabaloo?"

The entire house went quiet. Nothing but the birds and crickets could be heard.

"Ummm…right…" Kelly said.

Meanwhile, Jiya was looking over Tokio. "She'll probably be out for at least a day. Oh, and don't go in the bathroom for 35, 45 minutes."

"Aw, let me get Tokio a pillow," Jenny said, and went to find one.

Saito was surprised. "Thank you Jenny. I appreciate that."

"No prob," Jenny said, and proceeded to suffocate the shit out of Tokio's unconscious ass.

"Jenny!" Saito shouted, "What is she doing?" The whole group jumped on Jenny, trying to stop her. Kelly, on the other hand, was trying to beat them off with one of Misao's fat school pencils.

"Back, back, back I say!" Kelly shouted, poking random people in the ass.

"I think she's almost dead!" Jenny exclaimed happily.

Kelly sat down at a desk that had magically appeared. She shuffled some papers and looked straight at the camera. "We have breaking news from Channel Sex, I mean, Six Kenshin News. In a brawl earlier today, Saito Tokio was suffocated by Jenny. According to witnesses, Tokio was being a hooker and therefore had to be euthanized. Wait, we have a live report from Saito Hajime, husband of the deceased…bitch. Saito, what can you tell us?"

"I can tell you that after I strangle Jenny I'm gonna strangle you!"

"Right. In other news, Jiya dropped some serious ass in the Saito household today. When asked about his monstrous shit, Jiya replied, 'Daaaaamn, 'twas a good'un.' Also today, Makimachi Misao finally passed kindergarten and sprouted her first breast. 'Pop,' the breast was quoted as saying. In the world of entertainment today, Kelly became the youngest female to ever have sex with an anime character. Uh, wait, that shouldn't be in there…Uh, back to the action."

During Kelly's broadcast, Jenny had been pulled off of Tokio's body. Saito was pissed. There was no way around that. The man was gonna be pissed. He drew his sword.

"Jenny, you have defiled and disgraced my family and my house for the last FUCKING time!" Saito shouted.

"Does this mean that there's not going to be a honeymoon?" Jenny asked, hiding behind Kelly.

"NO!" he shouted again, going into gatotsu stance.

"By shit he's serious!" Jenny said, holding Kelly in front of her.

"I'll go through Kelly to get to you."

"What the shit! Jenny, let me go! I don't want to get killed here! I want to get killed in there!" Kelly said, pointing to Aoshi's crotch.

Jenny jumped out of the way and ran straight at Aoshi, snatching one of his kodachis on her way past. Well, after she grabbed something else and dragged the poor man halfway down the hall. She turned and faced Saito.

"If I win, you have to let me make ridiculously wild elephant sex to you. And if I lose…the same."

"Hmmm, provided you even live that long!" he said, and rushed at her.

Jenny closed her eyes and hoped for the best. She heard Saito getting closer and closer. "Aw, I quit," she said, and just started swinging the sword like a damn epileptic on acid. She fended him off and started stealing his damn lines.

"Ba…ttousai! Aho! Naruhodo! Sou ka! Yare, yare! Sagara Sanosuke is gay! And most importantly, Aku Soku Zan!"

"What?" Saito asked, stopping in mid-kill. "Never mind," he said, and went on with his killing.

Just before Saito killed some people, Kelly pushed the magic button.


	11. Chapter 11

A bright ass somobitch light flashed and the girls were instantly transported back to borin' ol shibadoowaukee Wisconsin.

"Damn teleportation," whined Kelly, "Hurt my whole left side…"

"Eeeeeeeii!" cried Jenny, pointing, "Run! Some things came with us this time!"

"What the hell is going on?" Saito dropped his sword and looked around at the strange room he was in, "Why are all the desks and beds so high?"

Behind Saito's fine ass, something lie on the bed.

"Oh my good God," screamed Kelly, "Aoshi is on my bed! Whoa, and he's looking at the poster of himself on my wall!" She ran and tore it off, storing it under her bed for safekeeping.

Jenny looked at the remote, "Shit, here we are wasting all that time in that shit world, when we could have brought them straight here. No annoying half dead Tokio's… No stanky diapered Misao's… Only Saito, my bed, and some Mr. Pibb." She looked over at Kelly, "I hope you realize that I am spending the goddamn night here."

"My parents are going to kill me…" Kelly sunk to the ground in a heap, watching Aoshi look over other paraphernalia of his ass.

"Speaking of killing," Saito growled, looking over at Jenny.

"That's it," Jenny rolled her sleeves up and punched the air a few times, "I've watched you fight enough to pick up some damn moves. Bring it on you hunk of beef!"

Before Saito could step forward to pummel her ass, someone knocked on the door, "Tsk, Kelly? Are you in there? What's all that racket? Jenny's acting like a tard again I bet."

"Shit! In the closet!" she shoved Saito and Aoshi in the closet, slamming the door behind them.

The door opened, "Are you two ok?"

"Hai!"

"What's that on the floor?!" Kelly's mom pointed to the katana lying in the middle of the room.

"Oh Mrs. Kelly's mom! Look at me!" Jenny picked the sword up and swung it a few times, "I'm a Jedi knight!"

"Uh-huh. Anyways, your dad and I are going up north for a few days remember?"

Before Kelly could answer, a 'chk' was heard in the closet, followed by a light.

"Kelly, what was that in your closet?"

"Um, what was what?"

"That noise. It sounded like a match. Are you smoking?"

"Am I in the closet?"

"Whatever, just don't get into any trouble, okay?" Kelly's mom said, and walked out. Kelly closed and locked the door behind her.

Saito and Aoshi came out of the closet. Kelly whapped Saito upside the head.

"What the fuck was that shit? You damn near got us busted ya damn tard!"

"You live with your parents?" Saito said, laughing.

"Ah, shaddup, if you lived in this world, you'd live with your parents too. Jenny, what are you doing?"

"Huh? N-nothing, just putting some stuff away."

"I saw some of the stuff. It was a naked picture of you, Saito," Aoshi said.

"It was not."

Saito bent over and tipped the box over, spilling the tapestry, Jenny's aku soku zan draws, posters, artbooks, naked fanart, the foam hand, the Shinsengumi clothes and numerous other Saito gear.

"I was framed! None of that shit is mine!"

"You a damn liar," Kelly said, unfolding the tapestry. "Look, right here at the bottom it says 'this sheeeit belongs to Jenny. Mom, do not open this.'"

Meanwhile, Aoshi and Saito were poking around at Kelly's various electrical appliances. Aoshi pushed a button on her CD player and some Rurouni Kenshin soundtrack blasted out. Aoshi and Saito both jumped. Aoshi moved to stab the shit out of it, but Kelly jumped in front of it.

"Whoa!! Hold on, Stabby McGee. That's a 400-dollar piece of equipment you were about to mutilate. How about you don't touch anything?" Kelly said.

"How the hell did we get here anyways?" Saito asked.

"I don't know. How did we get to your world?" Jenny said, pounding away at something small and black.

"I know that ain't the PS2 remote you fuckin' up," Kelly said angrily.

"Shut up Kelly, think of the conventions we could go to with these people! Think about the anime store! Anime Guy prolly shit his damn pants."

"Hmm, yousa point is well seen. So, you guys wanna see the wonders of modern technology?" she asked and led them downstairs to the bathroom.

"This here's the potty. You do your business in that bowl, and then you hit this lever…kerfulsh!"

"Kerfulsh? Where the hell do you live, Germany? Your toilet is whack, man."

"Shaddup Jenny. This is the faucet, and this knob…hehehe knob…is cold, and this one is hot."

"And this one is just right!"

"Shaddup, Jenny. This is the shower, where we go get clean. We have to go in pairs to conserve water…"

"I got dibs on Saito as my partner!"

"Shaddup Jenny. This is the refrigerator. You can find all sorts of shit to eat in here. There's the stove, and the microwave, where you can cook the shit found in the fridge."

"You eat shit?"

"Shaddup Jenny. This is a TV, where we watch you, and anything else that happens to be on. Let's see what's on."

"Crocodile Hunter!"

"Shaddup Jenny," Kelly said, turning the channel to Animal Planet.

Aoshi and Saito sat on the couch. Kelly popped in a random Rurouni Kenshin and started to watch it.

"Now, don't crap your pants on this couch. My mom just cleaned it. Jenny, back away from the TV, your melon is blocking half of it. By the way, guys, this is where we first learned about your wonderful world of pimpass nekkid men-folk."

The volume that it happened to be was the one where Aoshi got his ass kicked the second time by Kenshin.

"Aw, why are we watching this stank ass episode. I want to watch Saito fuck up Usui."

"Shaddup Jenny."

They watched Aoshi fly through the air about a dozen times, scarred chest all hanging out, laying in a heap of loserness while three foot Kenshin towered over him. 'Beshimi, Shikijo, Hyottoko, Hannya,' said TV Aoshi. A few times. No, a lot. Constantly.

Jenny, Saito, and even Kelly were rolling hard.

"Man, I really did sound like a loser," Aoshi said.

"What do you mean, 'sound'? You ARE!" Saito said, laughing even harder.

"C'mon, since we embarrassed Aoshi, it's only fair to show the Rengoku episode," Kelly said.

"Nooooooo!" Jenny said, but it was too late.

Saito appeared on the screen next to Sano and Kenshin. 'What about me?' TV Sano said.

'You go take a nap,' TV Saito said.

"Oh yeah, I remember saying that," real Saito said.

Kelly fast-forwarded it to the zombie part. "Ok, Saito, get ready. This shit ain't cute."

TV Saito scared one of Shishio's underlings. When the underling turned around, a big, tall, scary, pale man with water running down his face stood there in all his zombierific glory.

"Oh, that's terrible!" Jenny said, closing her eyes.

Saito winced. "What the hell happened there?"

"Let's see that again!" Kelly said, with a wink at Aoshi. She rewound the tape and played it again in slow motion.

"Holy moly flagin lagin!" Jenny bust out for no reason. "Kelly, let's take these guys on a tour, ok?"

"Tour of what? In this shit city?"

"I dunno, just an excuse to get them into an enclosed space. You can drive!"

"Well, that's not fun. But, since they haven't seen a car, I'll do it."


	12. Chapter12

The four went outside and stood before Kelly's car.

"What is THAT?" said Aoshi, all monotone and shit. He drew his kodachis again, growling dangerously.

"Calm down Shinomori," said Saito, smoking a cig, "It's some sort of transportation, obviously."

"Awww, you're so smart Saito!" cried Jenny, jumping up and down in front of him, "You should go on the Weakest Link! No one would vote you off!"

"Yeah," Kelly opened the car doors and hopped in, "Cuz he'd most likely kill everyone. Ok Jenny, you get the back with Saito. Aoshi, you're in front with me."

Jenny opened her door and jumped in, calling out support to Saito, "C'mon! You can do it! That's it, a little more. Now shut the door. Woo hoo! Lemme just buckle you up. Ohohohohohoo!"

"Is she supposed to grab that while strapping this thing on me?" asked Saito, looking down.

Kelly glanced back in the mirror, her eyes bugging out, "Um, exactly. Jenny! You cannot ride on that man's lap! You have your own seatbelt, get in it."

"Awwww, man."

"C'mon Aoshi, move it or lose it." Kelly watched him sit down hesitantly. She reached over, slammed the door, buckled him up, and pinched his cheek with one smooth motion.

Aoshi's hand flew up to his cheek and looked around wildly, "What the hell was that?"

"Um, moths."

"Oh, ok."

"Jenny! Get your hand off my leg!"

"Ok Saito-chan."

"Now get it off my ass!"

"Ok Saito-chan."

"Hey! That's definitely one place I never want to see it again! Off off off!"

"Ok Saito-chan."

"Damn, are we ready yet?" Kelly glanced around, "Here we go!" She put the key into the ignition. Saito and Aoshi flattened into their seats, thinking the world was blowing up or something.

"Kelly! Stop flooring the gas pedal! Saito's scared!" whined Jenny, waving her arms around.

"Hehe, just checking to see that they're awake. Ok, where to?"

"I want to go home!" said Aoshi.

"Um, let's go to the anime store. Scare some folk," suggested Jenny, eyes glued to Saito.

"Ok," Kelly pulled out of the driveway and sped down the street, driving like a nut.

"They actually trust youths like you with these machines?" asked Saito.

"Hell yeah!" Kelly turned the corner sharply, the wheels squealing away. Aoshi held on to his seat, making his knuckles go white.

"There it is!" yelled Jenny, face all smashed up on Saito's window, "Yay yay yay!"

One block later, they were at the store. Kelly ushered everyone out of the car and began to straighten Aoshi's clothes and hair. "Ok, look crazy. Act like you normally would when about ready to kill some folk."

"Like this?" Aoshi's eyes glazed over and he started to mumble something about his dead men.

"Wonderful!" Kelly clapped.

"Now Saito, I just want you to be yourself," said Jenny, walking around him and smoothing his clothes, "But you can't smoke. And you have to keep your hand here."

"But that's your ass. In your dreams." He walked forward, and into the store, Jenny running behind him.

Kelly dragged Aoshi forward. He was scared of the neon lights in the window.

The man behind the counter, whom the girls call Anime Guy, turned when his door opened. At first, he only saw Jenny, "Oh, hello."

"Hi!" Jenny pulled Saito into the store, "He's just a little shy. It's his first time here in our world. Saito was dragged into view, Aoshi and Kelly soon following.

Anime Guy just looked at them like the ape he was.

"Damn monkey. Wouldn't know an anime character if it went down on him," Jenny said disgustedly.

However, the big fat guy was there, and he knew who Saito and Aoshi were.

"Whoa, cool costumes guys! You're from Rurouni Kenshin right? Saito and Aoshi or something? Hey, Tenchi rocks! Ooo, Dragon Ball Z is on!"

"What? Oi, I swear that man gets geekier every time I come in here," Kelly said.

Meanwhile, Saito and Aoshi were busy touching everything.

"Hey, guys, be careful. I'm broke, and I don't wanna have to be payin' for shit you broke," Jenny said, walking past Saito, who was looking at the DVD case. As she walked by, she reached around and got a handful of crotch.

Saito jumped. "One more time, and I swear..." he growled, reaching for his sword. Unfortunately, it was still back at Kelly's crib. Jenny stuck out her tongue.

"Don't make me call Aoshi over here," Saito said, gesturing to Jenny's giraffe tongue. Jenny sucked her tongue back in with the quickness.

"Now where to, Jenny?" Kelly asked, trying to keep Aoshi from stabbing the shit out of the neon lights.

"Let's go to the other anime store! They'll be surprised to see them!"

"Are you sure about that, Jenny? I mean, last time I went you know what happened."

"No, what happened?"

"Aw, c'mon, don't make me say it."

"What happened?"

"I almost got into two accidents and I got lost on the way home. Almost ended up in the ghetto."

"Dude, Kelly, you LIVE in the ghetto."

"Well, I know, but I mean in the WAY ghetto." Kelly said, shrugging. "Ok guys, let's go," she said, herding the menfolk back into the car.

"Wait," Saito said. "Let me sit in front this time. My legs are too long to fit back here."

"Sorry, Saito san. Sit behind me and I'll scoot my seat up a bit."

"Hey, you can't order my Saito-chan around, you two-bit hussy!" Jenny shouted.

"Shaddup, Jenny. If he sits in front, where's Aoshi gonna sit?"

"In the back, duh."

"With you? Na-uh. I think not. And don't even think it. You are not driving my car!"

"Man, it's your mom's car!"

"So! I'm drivin' it!"

"Ladies, can we just go? I don't really care where I sit," Saito said, holding his forehead.

"Good sport, Saito. Ooo, and we've been upgraded from immature beasts to ladies? Cool."

"Immature beast?" Saito said, looking around nervously.

"Yeah I heard that. When you were hiding in the closet. And smoking."

"Anyways," Jenny said, "let's go."

So the four of them piled into the cramped '96 Chevy Lumina once again. Kelly was actually tempted to let Jenny drive, since that would leave her hands free to fondle Aoshi while the poor man had nowhere to run. But then she thought that Jenny and cars don't mix. Still, Kelly drove one handed most of the way, her right hand traveling up and down Aoshi's left leg. He was bravely trying to ignore it, but gradually Kelly's roving hand got a little too close to the goods.

"Ahem."

"What, Aoshi? Need something to drink?"

"No, but I need you to move that hand."

"Aw, be a pal," Kelly whined, moving her hand in slow circles.

Aoshi groaned. "Enough. You want to lose that hand?"

"Hmmm, lemme think about that for sec. Jenny, what do you think? Jenny? Jenny!"

Jenny's head popped up from between Saito's legs, hair all disheveled. Saito raised his eyes heavenward.

"Dammit, Kelly, you interrupted me. I was just about to have my way with Saito!"

"What!? Hey, I don't want any...manly juices...in this car. Keep your mouth off of Saito for a while. Hands are a different story. Just keep Saito's stuff in his pants, ok?"

"Always been rainin' on people's parade...hehe, raaaain" Jenny muttered.

"Thank you Kelly," Saito said.

"For what? Oh, I only care about the car getting nasty. But if you and Jenny want to get nasty when we get back to my house, that's another story."

The car finally pulled up at the other anime store and the four of them got out and went inside.

"Yo ho ho and a bottle of Saito-fashion rum!" Jenny hollered for pretty much no reason.

The guy behind the counter looked up. "H-holy shit! You guys look JUST like them! Hey check this out!" he called to his friend.

Soon there was a whole pile of anime lovers swarming around Aoshi and Saito. "Can I have your autograph?" and "Will you say 'aku soku zan' for me?" were common questions.

After a while though, Saito and Aoshi were tired and wanted to go home, so they all piled back into the car and drove back to Kelly's house.

"Umm, Kell, could you do me a favor? Take me back to my house so I can get some clothes and shit so I can spend the night...or a few nights?"

"I guess. Aoshi and Saito can stay here." She whistled at the men, who were watching pay per view porn. "What the...fuck are you watching! Turn that shit off! There will be no porn in this house, unless initiated by Jenny or myself. O yeah, I'm taking Jenny home for a sec, but we'll be back. Don't touch anything. If you her something ringing, it's the phone. Don't pick it up. Don't answer the door. Don't start anything on fire. As a matter of fact, don't leave this room. Now, I know that we done fucked up your houses plenty of times, but there's a lot more shit around here that you could hurt yourselves on. Like getting electrocuted or some garbage. So just sit there and don't move! And Jenny!"

"Huh?"

"Don't call me 'Kell'."


	13. Chapter 13

"Ohyeah."

The two took off, but not before sealing off every possible exit with caulk. Kelly dusted her hands off, "Man, these mutha fuckas ain't getting outta here. Even Santa would have a hard time squeezing his fat white ass into this crib."

The two opened the front door to leave, "Saito! No yaoi!" yelled Jenny, ignoring his evil stare.

5 minutes later

Kelly pulled up in front of Jenny's Christmas-light-twinkly-shack-o-love.

"You comin' in?" asked Jenny, getting out into the ghetto, trying to duck some major drive-bys.

"Um yeah," Kelly looked at her crazy, "Have you seen your neighborhood lately? I half expect George Foremen to jump out that ditch and do some serious KO boxing on my white ass."

"Damn, ok ok. C'mon into my scary ass world then," said Jenny walking inside, "Hey dad. Dad! Put some pants on! Walkin' around in your damn draws. Looks like Penguin's ass or some shit. Sag-a-laggage. Kelly, just look at the floor, look at the floor man."

They somehow maneuvered through the kitchen, and then downstairs into Jenny's domain: The Basement.

"Well, at least you know you belong down here, ya damn gargoyle," said Kelly, looking through Jenny's DVD collection, "I mean, think about it. They kept Sloth's candy corn shaped headed ass in a basement. Of course he was chained to the wall." She glanced over at Jenny, who was tossing clothes, amongst other crap, into a duffle bag, "Um, what's with all the duct tape, ace bandage rolls, and, hey! Is that a roll of copper chain?! They sell that at Hardware Hanks! Why do you need that for?"

Jenny tossed in a pair of handcuffs, a bottle of hand lotion, and a blindfold, "Huh? What do you mean? I always take this kind of stuff to your house!"

"Um, no you don't."

"Yeah? So what?"

"You're planning on tying Saito up and having your way with him, you sick little bitch."

"Yeah? So what?"

Kelly sighed, "Never mind. Are you ready yet?"

Jenny heaved the loaded sack onto her back, "Yep. And ignore the clanking sounds. There's a lot of metal in here." She gave it a shake and the sack started to vibrate.

"Aside from the metal in your head? Gorilla the Hun lookin' ass," Kelly stomped upstairs and bumped right into Jenny's mom.

"Hi Kelly Kelly! What are you two up to?" She smiled happily, like an elf that snatched that last Andes Candy.

"Mom, I'll be spending the night at Kelly's. We're going to be getting some cock from fictional characters. Don't wait up for me. O, and if McDonald's calls, you know the drill. We're Norwegian Elk buffers, and you don't know no fucking Ronald."

"Right on holmes," said Jenny's mom, giving them a peace sign, "Peace out niggas!"

"Rrrrright," Kelly said, running the hell out of the house from hell and jumping into the car. Jenny tossed her crap at Kelly.

"No nononono," said Kelly, shooting the bag back, "You put your own shit in the back. I am not a skycap. And don't you even dare touch my goddamn radio."

"Damn Chris Tucker rip-off," Jenny muttered, shooting her bag in the trunk. They took off, Kelly tearing up some major concrete with her driving skills, not to mention some major pedestrians.

5 more mutha fuckin' minutes later

Kelly pulled to a stop in front of her house. She opened her door and jumped out, "What the hell! Every damn light is on! The house looks like ET's ass!"

They both ran into the house, only to find Aoshi staring at a light bulb, and Saito playing with a switch.

"The hell are you two doin'?" cried Kelly, turning some lamps off, "Didn't I tell ya to not touch a damn thing. Didn't I tell ya?"

"Most intriguing," Saito rubbed his chin, watching some Christmas lights.

"These guys are nuts," said Jenny, dropping her heavy ass bag on the couch, "You introduce them to a little civilization, and they go hackey sack on us!"

"Yeesh," Kelly put her hands on her hips, "C'mon guys. It's late. Let's map out where we'll be sleeping."

"I know where I'm sleeping," said Jenny shiftily, glancing at Saito and then at her bag of tricks.

"I don't think so," said Saito.

"Kelly! He said that he doesn't think so!" whined Jenny, pulling on her sleeve, "Make him screw me! Make him screw me!"

"Shaddup Jenny."

"Aw, man."

"Ok, here's the plan," Kelly paced back and forth, like some sort of drill Sergeant, "Saito, you will be stationed in the computer room with Jenny. Aoshi, you and your 5 yards will be upstairs in my room with me. Let me make myself clear: Jenny, I don't want to wake up to the sounds of you two getting it on. So keep it quiet. If you're going to do him in the shower, please for the love of God use the do not disturb sign. Please?"

Jenny raised her hand, "Um, what about the kitchen table?"

"Lord no! Is you crazy!" shouted Kelly. She coughed and then became calm again, "No, that is where we eat. Any other questions?"

"I have one," Saito raised his hand.

"O boy, here we go."

"Ahem, what if we have… worries about our current positions…" He looked uneasily at Jenny, who was snapping a length of ace bandage and trying on a leather glove, "Let me rephrase that. Absolute worries."

"I don't give a fuhck Sir!" Kelly saluted and marched off upstairs, draggin' her Aoshi behind her.

"Hey! I told you to stop grabbing that! It's sensitive!"

"Ahh, sorry Aoshi-sama."

Their voices trailed off and Jenny and Saito stood in the living room, in total silence.

Jenny looked at him from the corner of her eye, and he turned and looked at her, raising an eyebrow, "Um… be right back." She ran upstairs into Kelly's room, "Keeeeelly! I need help!" Jenny suddenly froze where she stood, "AAAAAAAHHH!! What are you doing to Aoshi!?"

"Please help me," mouthed Aoshi, looking close to tears.

Kelly looked up from the small tub she had made him sit in, "I'm giving him a sponge bath dammit." She wiped her brow, "And lemme tell you, I'm feeling a bit like Aunt Jemima up in here." She cast a wary eye at his enormous condom mutilator, "Now what the hell do you want?"

Jenny looked down, embarrassed, "I, um, and yeah, Saito, and hmm… you know. He's there, and I'm there…and the silence…and I don't want another tub incident…and…yeah. Scary!"

Kelly looked at Jenny like she had Hershey's Kisses floating around her head, "Are you stupid? The man of your dreams is downstairs. Go and do him like a yak in heat!"

"I am not a yak in heat! What's with you and yaks anyways? You got a secret fetish I should know about?"

Kelly looked down and blushed. "Ummm, no?"

"Nasty! Well, c'mon Saito let's go fuck like yaks in heat!"

"Rrrright. Ok, Aoshi let's go," Kelly said, and dragged him away again.

Meanwhile back in Rurouni Kenshin land…

"Where is my Aoshi-sama?!" Misao shouted, shaking the holy bastard out of Kenshin.

"Ororororororororororo!" said Kenshin.

"And Saito is missing too," Tokio said.

"He is?" Kaoru asked.

"Yes. Usually he'd leave a note. Or tell me. Or ask me for permission to leave my sight!"

"Ah, Tokio-san…Saito does all that for you?" Kenshin asked.

"Of course. He's whipped. Wpsht!"

Meanwhile back in Kelly's house…

Saito sneezed violently, right in Jenny's face.

"Ew, you goobed on me! Do it again!"

"Tokio must be wondering where I am by now."

"So? I said it before and I'll say it again, I don't give a bullsheeit about Tokio! Now, let's get back to our loving session!"

6 hours later…

"Ugh, Jenny, I don't know about you, but my right arm is so sore, I can't wipe my own ass!"

"Ew, what were you and Aoshi doing last night?"

"Wouldn't you like to know. Anyways, how about you? What'd you and Saito do last night?"

Jenny blushed. "He goobed all over me."

"Hell naw! I couldn't get Aoshi to go that far!"

"No, not that, you nasty somomabitch! He sneezed on me!"

"Oooohhh."

"Really? You couldn't get Aoshi to splooge?"

"Aw, c'mon I don't want to get into gory details with you. You'll probably steal my ideas."

"Hehehe, damn right."


	14. Chapter 14

The computer room's door opened and Saito stood before everyone, a wreck of man. His eyes were bloodshot, bangs every which way, and his clothes were rumpled. "That was the worst night ever...I didn't get any sleep."

Jenny scratched her head, "That's odd, I slept like a log."

"That's because you took all the blankets and didn't have to listen to yourself snore and moan in your sleep," he muttered, sitting down at the kitchen table, "What's to eat? I'm starving."

"Damn, me too mutha fucka! I'm hungry like a nigga!" Kelly opened a cupboard, "Um, lemme see, we got Lucky Charms, Trix, Cocoa Puffs, and Apple Jacks."

"Do dodo do do!" cried Jenny, snatching the Lucky Charms. She poured Saito and Aoshi a bowl of the delicious sugary sweet yumminess, "Here guys, dig in."

"What is this?" Aoshi picked up a spoonful, eyeing it like it was some sort of Kanryu, "Beshimi... Grrrr..."

Saito didn't know what the girls were trying to feed him. Sure weren't home cookin'.

"Uh, what is this?" he asked, letting a spoonful fall into his bowl with a plop.

"That's Lucky Charms. Go on and eat one. The marshmallows are really good," Jenny explained.

"Marsh...mallows?"

"Think fluffy sugar," Kelly said, while forcing a spoonful into Aoshi's mouth.

Aoshi's eyes got real big and he clamped a hand on his mouth. "Ah, my teeth! What's in that stuff?"

"Sugar. Sugar. Red number 2. Sugar. I think that about covers it," Kelly said, giving him another spoonful. Aoshi swallowed, then took the spoon from Kelly and went to town on that shieet.

Saito looked at Aoshi with a look that said "this nigga crazy."

Jenny forced a spoonful into Saito's mouth. He slapped the shit outta her. "Excuse me? I think I can feed myself," he said, fumbling around with the foreign spoon. He dropped it into his bowl and splashed himself.

"Right," Jenny said, totally ignoring the burning handprint on her face. She popped the spoon into Saito's mouth. He chewed thoughtfully.

"Hhmmmm...You're a talented cook, Jenny."

Jenny blushed. "Ok..."

Saito continued to eat on his own.

Meanwhile, Aoshi had taken off his coat and was running around like a damn wallaby on crack.

"Wooooo!!" he shouted, swinging his coat around like a cowboy. He started doing backflips and jumping off the couch and just all around making a complete fool of himself. "Sugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugar... BESHIMIHYOTTOKOSHIKIJOHANNYA!" he yelled, doing a handstand. "Agh, I'm hot!" he said, ripping off his shirt and throwing it across the room like a spoiled child.

"Damn," Kelly said, watching the show.

As Saito finished his bowl, a strange feeling came over him. "Shinomori is right. It IS kind of hot in here," he said, taking off his shirt while Jenny drooled.

"OH YEAH!!" Aoshi was shouting! Shouting, can you believe it?

The three of them looked at him. "Holy shit," was the common thought.

Saito stood up and grabbed Jenny's arm. He swung her around.

"Saito, what the hell...?"

Before she finished, Saito threw her into the air, caught her, and then proceeded to cut himself a slice of rug.

"OH HELL YEAH!! WOOOHOOO!! YEAH BABY!!!" Aoshi shouted again, doing some one armed pushups.

Suddenly, the phone rang and since Kelly was the only one sober or free enough to answer it, she did.

"Kelly's house of screaming half naked men, how can I be of service?"

"Umm, this is your neighbor, and, um, well, what's going on over there?"

"Nothing," Kelly said, trying to push Aoshi away, who was crawling around and pulling on her leg.

"What?"

"NOTHING!" she yelled, swatting at Saito, who was trying to dance with her. Jenny lay sprawled in a heap on the couch, spent. Kelly hung up.

"Jenny, you lazy bastard, get up and help me get these two knuckleheads under control!"

"Uhhnnn, we mamba-ed, salsa-ed, waltzed, square danced, jived, hip hopped, be bopped. Man, you do that shit."

"Well, I'm about to, if you don't help me!"

So the two went about the painful task of desugarizing the two men.


	15. Chapter 15

8hrs later…

Saito and Aoshi lay peacefully asleep; Aoshi curled up in a giant comforter. Saito was taking up the whole bed, spread eagle and snoring loud as fuck!

Jenny and Kelly lay on the bedroom floor, totally wiped out.

"Whew," Jenny breathed, hand on her forehead, who would have thought a 35 year old guy like Saito could be so much trouble? I thought for sure he was going to swallow that Lego. Good thing we caught him in time."

"I know what you mean. I stopped Aoshi from having his way with the dryer. Twice," Kelly said, "Boy he sure went to town on that baby." Kelly glanced at Aoshi, who was now sucking his thumb, "Aww, he's like a baby that likes to be psycho or something. How cute."

Jenny frowned, "Look at Saito, all sprawled out like a bum. Why the hell isn't he being cute? Ay! Saito! Let's see more cute, less hobo! Some nudity would help the process along a bit."

"Shhh, what the hell are you doing?" Kelly smacked Jenny's ass, "It took us forever to get them down from the roof and calm them. Let the wild bastards have a rest, will ya?"

Jenny raised an eyebrow, "Hey, Kell, 'ju just grab my ass?"

"Shaddup Jenny."

"Ahh, my head is throbbing," Saito suddenly sat up, little pieces of the jezebel cereal stuck on one side of his face, "What the hell happened?"

Jenny was on him with the quickness, "Shhh shh, go to sleep little baby sexy guy. Shhh." She stroked his hair and groin, while grabbing some life giving ass, "Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep sexy Saito. Lala lalallaaa laaalalaaaaa." Saito's eyes slowly closed. "Kelly, I got my Saito-chan to fall asleep! I am SIMPLY THE BE-EST! BETTER THAN ALL TH REST!"

Saito's eyes snapped open again, "Will you be quiet already! And take your hand off my damn ass! This is the last time I'm gonna tell you!"

"But Saitooo!" Jenny whined, jumping on him again, "You told me I could finish what I started in the car if I was good." She pouted, "And I've been really super good lately, even though I want to be so bad." She purred at him, batting her eyelashes.

Saito rolled his eyes, "Aho, I was just saying that to get you to behave."

"What?" Jenny started to beat him with a rock, aiming for the neck region, "Quit-WHAM-being-BOW-a-DOINK-prude! Now unzip those pants and let's go off to NEVAH NEVAH LAND!" She managed to unbutton his slacks, but he tossed her across the room, where she landed head first in a garbage can.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Aoshi woke up, crying loudly.

"Oh, way to go Saito," yelled Kelly, throwing her hands up in defeat, "You woke my baby!" She went over to Aoshi, trying to calm his cries. "Hush now little one, and have some breast, compliments of me," she said, undoing her shirt.

Aoshi stopped crying. "You put that in my mouth, and a bit of tongue won't be the only thing you'll be missing."

Kelly backed slowly away.

Jenny got to her feet, struggling to get the can from her large head, "Ok, boys, since you wasted the entire day acting like Tarzan, we get to pick what we'll be doing tonight." She looked over at Saito, her tongue hanging out as she viewed the hunk of splendor before her, "I'd like to ravish you like a Popsicle. You just have no idea."

"That's not fair that you two get to pick what we'll be doing," said Aoshi, grabbing his shirt off the ceiling fan, "You fed us that drugged food."

Jenny looked at him like he just done shot her Saito, "It was NOT drugged! It's not our fault that you Japanese men eat nothing but grass. Can't even handle a little damn sugar. Pretty pathetic."

"Watch what you say, little girl," Saito glared, grabbing her arm.

"Aghghghghghhhg." Jenny drooled, latching onto his waist and holding on for dear life.

"Anyways," Kelly said, smacking Jenny's ass again, "Later on we're gonna play a friendly game of strip poker. We already got the table and cards set up."

"Hm. I am not going to get involved in these little games," said Saito, randomly lighting a 'grit.

"Chicken!" cried Jenny, flapping her arms.

"Pansy ass!" Kelly taunted, sticking her half a tongue out.

"Sanosuke!" said Aoshi.

The room grew terribly silent.

"What…did you call me?" Saito's eyes narrowed at Aoshi, who was visibly shaking in his huggies, "Fine then. I'll play. But I want to raise the stakes. Whoever loses has to make love to one of these fools. You agree, Shinomori?"

Aoshi nodded slowly, trying to ignore the grin on Kelly's face.

"Whoa, dems the luckiest fools on the block," Jenny sulked, kicking the ground. "At least we get to watch them strip. I can't wait to see Saito's six-pack and 12 incher again. Maybe he'll let me cop a few feels. You know, get him ready for those lucky bitchazz fools."

Kelly nudged her. "He means we are the fools, and I'll have you know that I intend to make Aoshi lose like a bitch. That should be no problem though, considering he IS Aoshi. Losing is nothing new to him. His pretty ass is soooo gonna be mine!" She looked at Jenny strangely, "Damn, is he really that big? Wow. Who'd've thunk it?"

But she wasn't paying any attention. "S-Saito?" Jenny looked up at him, her eyes twinkling magically, "If you lose, which one would you choose? I-I'm just curious. I mean…you know. Keep in mind that I can blow and suck like a Hoover 5000, I have a bag full of bondage and sex toys that I'm just itching to use, and I'm totally cute."

He grimaced, but regained his composure. "Well, since I don't think I could approach Kelly without killing her, I'd have to choose…you."

Suddenly, and for reasons that were evidently known, Jenny collapsed on the ground, muttering gibberish like nobody's business.

Saito looked down at the sad and very pathetic girl on the floor. "Wow. If I knew I had that kind of affect on woman years ago…"

"You'd be swimming in major ass," finished Aoshi.


	16. Chapter 16

Jenny rolled over, yawned, and tried to grab Saito's crotch. Unfortunately, that crotch had somehow gotten away from her.

She completely awoke when she felt something long and hard jabbing her in the ass.

"Damn, dawg, I don't do doggy style, ya know!" Jenny shouted.

"Ew! Get your gutter-thinkin' ass up and help round up the men folk. They ran away when you keeled over!" Kelly said, thwacking Jenny one more time for good measure.

"Your house ain't that big. Where could they have gotten to?"

The two girls just looked at each other.

Suddenly, they heard a deep sexy voice start talkin' ghetto.

"Aw, shitty, holmes, we gotta get some coochie up in hea'!"

"Yeah, cuz it's all about tha bling bling."

Jenny and Kelly burst onto the scene, and saw Saito and Aoshi engrossed in a TV show.

"Maaan, I got tha munchies like a mutha fucka up in hea'. I gotta get mah eat on!" Aoshi said as Kelly's jaw dropped in complete horror.

"Holy Hungarian ass raper!" Jenny shouted. The she cracked up.

"Ay! This shit ain't funny, holmes," Kelly said to her hysterical friend.

"He sounds like a damn retard!" Jenny said, her bowling ball head swinging side to side like some deranged giant ass pendulum.

Kelly pushed Jenny outta the way. "What channel are you watching?" she asked, looking at the cable box. "20? Gotdamn, that's BET no wonder he's talkin' like a brother!"

Jenny laughed harder.

"What you laughin' fo'? I don't see nothing funny about this shit hea'. You betta go'on wit dat!" Saito said as his head got to shaking.

"Oh no! Saito's turned into a black woman!" Jenny screeched.

"Excuse me? Oh no you don't. You don't play with me. I am not no candy bar. You don't play with me. I am not no Snicker bar, no 5th Avenue, no Peanut Chew, not no Almond Joy; sometimes you feel like a nut, well dammit right now I don't. Ain't nothin' two sticks of Twix cain't fix, bullshit!"

Jenny and Kelly just stood there during Saito's tirade.

"You been watching too much Tommy Davidson. This shit has gotta stop!" Kelly said, and turned off the TV.

"Man, foo', I was just getting into that shit," Aoshi complained.

"Shut up and snap out of it!" Kelly shouted desperately.

"Yeah, I want to make wild elephant sex with you because you're a fine ass Japanese man that knows nothing about Western culture! I don't want no jive talkin' moron!" Jenny said, and whapped Saito upside the head a few times with a pillow.

"Huh, what? I just had a weird dream that I was a loud dark skinned man with a wandering eye named Bernie," Saito said, shaking his head.

Kelly took the same pillow and whacked Aoshi.

"Strange, I had a dream where I was also a dark skinned man, except he was heavy and was named Cedric."

"Ya'll got into my Original Kings of Comedy tape, didn't you?" Kelly said.

"Anyways, how about we get back to that game of strip poker?" Jenny said.

"Damn," Saito muttered.

The four of them sat down at the table.

"Here's how to play. Face cards are good, aces are better. You can get two of a kind, three of a kind, and four of a kind. Then there's a full house, which is two of one kind and three of another. Then there's a flush, which is all one suit. Then there's a straight flush which is all one suit in numerical order. Then there's a royal flush which is a ten, jack, queen, king and ace of one suit. And that beats everything. Everyone got it?" Kelly asked, looking around. Saito was smoking and looking out the window, Aoshi had his head on the table, muttering something about Hyottoko, and Jenny…

"Ay, Jenny, get out from under the table and quit fondling Saito's leg!"

"Oh, that's what that was. I thought you some sort of rodent problem," Saito said.

"I do," Kelly said, as Jenny got back into her seat. "It's called Biggus Headicus Jennyus."

"Man, one more crack about my big head and there's gonna be some furniture moving around in this mutha fucka!"

"Yeah, while you're rearranging chairs, could you check under the green one? MY dad usually leaves a treasure trove of popcorn, pretzels, wallabies, cheetos, potato chips, and giraffes under there."

Jenny just gave her a cockeyed look. "Right. Well, are you gonna deal, or do I have to get rough?"

Kelly started dealing.

"What? How do you expect us to get what you said with only five cards?" Saito complained.

"Quit your bitching. That's how the game is played. You can trade in your cards. Choose wisely," Kelly said.

After about 20 minutes, they were finally ready to lay down their cards.

"I got a full house!" Jenny exclaimed, and reached to unbutton Saito's shirt.

He slapped her hand away roughly. "Cut it out."


	17. Chapter 17

"What in the name of your ass not sowing any fuckin' wild oats around here do you mean 'Cut it out'?!" Jenny jumped up, getting all up in Saito's sexy grill, "FUUUUUULL HOOOOOOOUUUSEEE. I can't enunciate any more for your ol' eastern back alley ass dammit. Full house means lose your damn shit now!"

"Saito, you agreed to play the game," snickered Aoshi, getting all emotional in the corner.

Saito growled and then basically ripped his shirt off Incredible Hulk style, "Raaaaaaaaaaaaaarr!!!!!"

Jenny and Kelly leaned way back, "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!!"

"Nigga gonna turn mean and green up in this mug! Awwww shitty!" cried Aoshi, evidently still feeling the ghetto-fied after effects of BET.

"Aoshi. Holmes. Knock that scary shiboz off already," said Kelly, hustling her ass up some cards.

20 more minutes later, Aoshi was down to his draws. Saito was clinging on to a single sock with an ungodly vengeance, Jenny was buck-ass naked, wild, n' free, and Kelly was trying for all the love in the world to deflect the breast rays that were laser beaming their way across the table from Jenny in the Garden of Eden. baaaaby

"Damn, I never thought I'd be this terrible at poker!" cried Jenny, using the Joker card as a loin leaf.

"You dumbass," Kelly shook her head sadly; "You could have used your socks and shoes as articles of clothing! But nooooo, you went straight for the big shit. This ain't no credit card! You gotta think small!"

Saito's eyes began to stray away from the flock, meandering over the nakedness that was Jenny at the moment.

"Um, excuse me? If you look at me one more time I'm gonna beat you with a bucket of KFP! Kentucky Freed Pedophiles! Damn perv up in here," Jenny snapped, head all getting it on with the attitude.

"Sorry," his gaze returned to his terrible hand of cards.

"This is the last round gentlemen," Kelly said mysteriously, like an episode of Pink Panther, "Only one of you will get to be in The Chamber." She gestured to a moldy closet with a single holy blanket on the ground, "The loser has to pick one of us fine women and then get through the seven stages of molestation that await you inside… BA BA BA BUUUUUUM… ahem… the chamber. I can tell you both this: It won't be pretty at all."

Jenny winked at Saito, eyeballing the sock on his lap. Then for no reason she sang, "Genuuuuine Jockeeeeyyy!"

Kelly breathed deeply and then began to deal, keeping one eye closed to avoid Jenny's nipples of death. Kelly was wearing only a pair of draws, but she was kneeling on the floor, with only her head and shoulders above the table.

5 minutes later…

Both Saito and Aoshi were sweating. It was time to throw down.

"Yay! I got another full house!" Jenny shouted, jumping up and down.

"Dude, cut that shit out. No one wants to see your shabadoos hit you in the face," Kelly said, laying down her two pair.

"B-but, Saito was looking at me!"

"Well, it's kinda hard not to, with your titty beams all up in people's grills," Kelly said.

"Shaddup!" Jenny said, and chucked the deck of cards at Kelly.

"Beeeyatch! If I didn't want to see who lost, I'd kick your goddamn ass!"

"Oooo! C'mon, who lost?"

Both men laid down their cards.

"What the shit? What are the odds of that happening?"


	18. Chapter 18

Both men had the exact same hand.

"What the fuck?" Kelly exclaimed.

"Screw this bullshit!" Jenny said and reached for Saito's sock, ripped it off and put it on her head. "Wooo!"

Saito's pupils dilated freakishly, like a shark in blood-tinted water. "NOW, Shinomori!" Saito vaulted over the table using his sockless third leg as a pole, smacking Jenny in the back of her pumpkin-head with it as he flew over her. He landed lightly on the bar counter behind him, his Cousin Sub flapping around like it was flying a damn kite.

Jenny keeled forward, head all fuuuuhcked up, while Kelly sang, "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick!"

Aoshi just sat there; it was his only defense. "Huh? When did we plan this, Saito?"

Meanwhile, Jenny groaned horribly after her head was dented in by the mighty wang. She raised a hand holding a sign that said '10.0'. "What in the hell was that all about? How come I had to beg you to do that to me before?"

Aoshi took advantage of the siti-ation, and made a mad dash for one of the many remotes Kelly has lying around in the basement. "I got it, Saito!"

"Push a button, you loser! I'm nekkid as a Kyoto whore!" Saito used his hands as best he could to cover his girth and length, but damn, that wasn't covering shit.

"You mean, your wife?!" Jenny screeched, lunging at Aoshi. Kelly soon followed, tackling the simple bastard from behind like an NFL linebacker. Before one of the girls could grab the remote o' goodness, Aoshi tossed it to Saito.

"Aha, now the tables have turned!" cried Saito, getting ready to grab the remote. It hovered mid-air for an eternity, moving in slow-motion. Ten minutes later, the remote made it across the room, but before Saito could jump up to catch it, his woman-splitter flipped up and accidentally batted it away like he was Jose Canseco or some shit.

"TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME, TAKE ME OUT TO THE WANGGG!" sang Kelly, playing with Aoshi's asshole.

"HEY! Get your fingers out of there, dammit!" Aoshi said, hollering for the first time ever. "At least use some lube!"

Well, he didn't really say _that_, but we can't back that up. It was more like this:

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BACK THERE!?"

"Aw, c'mon!" Kelly shouted at Jenny, who just wrote this disgusting segment.

"What?" Jenny said, shrugging. "Haven't you ever had anal fantasies about Aoshi? Now here's you chance to tell the world!"

"No! I can honestly say that I have never fantasized about toying with some man's hairy ol' stanky asshole!"

Jenny glanced at Saito, debating about whether or not she'd like to toy with his hairy ol' stanky asshole. Meanwhile, Saito the Criminally Insane was now coming towards them menacingly, holding a lamp.

"I think the man means business," Kelly shouted, still sitting on top of Aoshi's limp form. She started groping around for something to defend herself with. Unfortunately from that range, the only thing she could manage grabbing was a Frito, and Aoshi's ass. "Jenny! Quit standing there thinking about Saito's ass, and get to kicking it instead!"

"I can't! I don't have the balls!"

"Then borrow Aoshi's! He doesn't use them!"

"That doesn't help!"

Meanwhile, Saito ran up behind Jenny and was about to pummel her with the lamp when Kelly threw the Frito at him. "Jenny, duck!"

She wasn't fast enough, though, and the lamp knocked her head clean off. It bounced off the wall and reattached itself to her neck.

"I knew one hit wasn't going to be enough for you! Curses!" Saito shouted, shaking his fists in anger. Suddenly, the Frito finally made its way over to Saito and nailed him right in the fo'head. It harmlessly bounced into Jenny's mouth.

On the other side of the room, Aoshi finally grew some testicles and began to fight back. He threw an elbow, whacking Kelly in the boob. "Ah! Hey, that's uncalled for!" she yelled.

"BESHIMISHIKIJOHANNYAHYOTOKO!"

"Holy child molesting Michael Jackson!" Kelly yelled again as Aoshi kicked her dead in the hooha. "FUCK! I can't have no kids! You done scratched my uterus, you sonofabitch!"

Aoshi pushed her into the floor with the heel of his sock.

"Dude. Shinomori, they're only children. I don't think it's necessary to completely destroy them," Saito said, and Jenny looked up, smiled at him and got a foot to the face for the trouble.

Aoshi hung his head loserishly. "Aw, fuck it," he said, and then grabbed the roll of copper chain. He tied Kelly's hands together and bound her feet. He chained her up like Hannibal Lecter in the deli section at Pick'n'Save. Aoshi threw the chain to Saito. "Well? You want get out of here or what?"

"Gotdamn? Why'd you turn all evil on me, Aoshi-sama? What did I ever do to you?"

Jenny was on the floor laughing. "I think it's more like what you didn't do." And was booted again.

Saito tried to chain Jenny up, but she was the greaziest nigga he had ever set eyes on, like Patrick Ewing in the fourth quarter. Just glissenin'. She slipped out of his grasp every time.

"You need to throw some sand on that nigga!" Kelly said, putting in her two cents. "She's slipperier than Kobe Bryant gettin' out of a lawsuit."

"Hold still, dammit," Saito said, and grabbed a handful of pubic hair to steady her.

"Oh hell yeah! Finally! Owwwwww! Damn, don't pull!"

He pulled some more. "Behave and give me the remote."

"Ehhhh."

He pulled again.

"Okay okay, shit. Come and get it, big boy." She moved her leg and there it was, taped to her inner thigh. He reached for it and Jenny's legs snapped closed, trapping his arm. The man started to ooze "Aku Soku Zan".

"Jenny? Why the fuck do you even have that taped to your leg?" Kelly shouted.

"Better than where it was before!"

"Don't do anything rash, Saito. I'll find a way to get you out," Aoshi said, looking around wildly for something to pry him loose from the bear trap that was Jenny.

Saito just looked at him and sighed. "Yare, yare."


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

"I ain't lettin' go of sheeeit, so it's either make ridiculously wild chimp love to me, or I snap your arm like an anorexic model sucking on an ice cube," Jenny threatened, slightly squeezing Saito's arm just to prove she could do it.

"She ain't bluffing Saito," Kelly yelled out from the general vicinity of the floor, hogtied as she was, "I've seen her mangle full beer cans between those muthas!"

For a few seconds, Saito looked as if he was about to take Jenny up on her offer, but instead he grabbed a Swiss Army knife from out of his ass and started sawing his own arm off. "Nothing cutting off a limb won't solve," he growled, grinding his teeth as blood ran down his arm.

"Aughhhh! Noooooo, Saito!" Jenny bellowed, releasing her death-grip on his arm. "You're of no use to me armless! Though you would definitely make up for that in other areas. . Rheeeheehe-ELL!"

Saito was already on her with the quickness.

Ten minutes of wriggling later, Jenny and Kelly were tied back-to-back in the center of the room. Both men, now fully clothed, looked down on them with sinister expressions on their faces.

"You know, Jenny, at this rate we'll never get laid," Kelly remarked dryly, trying to will her tongue to reach Aoshi's groin.

"What shall we do with them, Shinomori?" Saito asked, lighting a cigarette. He stared at them reflectively, as if he couldn't decide what torture to use first.

"…"

"Gang bang us?" Jenny asked hopefully, grinning as Saito leaned down towards her. Instead of raping her senseless, as she would have preferred, he just blew smoke in her face. "Hwaaack. Was that a yes? Huh? Huh?? Was it? Do me baby! Do the humpty hump!"

"No."

"..."

"C'mon guys," Kelly reasoned, "Can't we work it out? There must be something from us that you want. Like a Krispy Kreme donut or some shit? I bet you'd suck a dick for one of those. I sure would. I'd suck two if I had to."

Aoshi scratched his head thoughtfully, but didn't say anything.

"Hey! Saito's full-on chubbie is off limits!" Jenny cried, bashing her watermelon head into Kelly's.

Saito snorted, "We already have what we want from you." He dangled the remote before them, snatching it back when Kelly lunged at it with her mouth. "As soon as we figure out how to use it, we'll both be returning home."

"Yeah right, good luck with that Egg FooYoung. Damn fools can't even understand the buttons." Jenny laughed hysterically, rocking back and forth like a maniac. "So as you can see, resistance is futile. Strip down, cuz it's time for a booty call!"

"I have a feeling that you both will be quite helpful in this area of expertise. Or else." He shoved the remote under Kelly's nose. "Which button sends us home? Speak!"

"Ew man, that shit probably has cooter juices on it!" Kelly whined. "Get it awayyyy!"

"Shut up, you little moron. Tell me which button to press!"

"Or what?"

"Else."

"Come on Saito. I know you can do better than that. I'm not scared at all. Do it again, this time with feeeeewing."

Saito backhanded the shit outta her. "I am losing my patience!"

"Waaaaaaah!" cried Kelly.

Saito made to backhand her again, but Aoshi stepped in front of him. "Wait. Let me handle this."

"Thank you Aoshi-sama! Saito's so mean! He hit me!"

Aoshi smiled at her. "Will you tell me which button sends us home? I promise I won't let Saito hurt you anymore," Aoshi said, his voice dripping with honey. Kelly even stuck her tongue out to catch some.

Saito snorted in disgust. "I don't think she's going to fall for that…"

"It's the one that says 'play'! Just push it once! Can I have a kiss?"

"Kelly! You fucking drunken German gynecologist! Why'd you tell him that?" Jenny roared, trying to kick the shit outta Kelly's dumb ass.

"Meehhh! He smiled at me! And he's gonna keep the big bad wolf from molesting me some more!"

Aoshi looked over the remote. "Which one is 'play'?"

"Oh for fucks sake, give it here," Saito snapped, and snatch the device out of his grasp. He accidentally pushed a button as he did. Everything started to move backwards.

".ereh ti evig ,ekas skcuf rof hO"

"?'yalp' si eno chihW"

"!erom emos em gnitselom flow dab gib eht peek s'eh dnA !em ta delims eH !hhheeM"

Saito hit another button.

"Meehhh!Hesmiledatme!Andhe'sgonnakeepthebigbadwolffrommolestingmesomemore!" "Whichoneis'play'?" "Ohforfuckssake,giveithere."

"Wow. I had no idea the remote worked like that," Jenny said, shaking her head.

"No shit. That's some freaky ass stuff. Like a 40 year old titty on a Sunday afternoon," Kelly said.

"Will you shut up! I don't need a blow-by-blow from the likes of you two!" Saito yelled, and started to look at the remote. Upon finding what seemed to be the right one, he pushed it. Nothing happened. "Did you give me the wrong one?" he yelled again.

"What the hell. You're the one who grabbed it. We didn't give you shit!" Jenny declared, tossing her head and popping Kelly in the coconut.

Since she was used to getting randomly nailed by Jenny's head, Kelly ignored it, but she was squirming a little in her seat. "Can one of you throw a blanket over me or something? It's a tit bit nipply here. Look," she said, sticking out her chest, "I could cut glass with these bitches."

Saito rolled his eyes. "Shinomori, cover the girl."

"Easy breezy beautiful cover girl!" Jenny sang for no decent reason.

"Preferably with you hot hot hot body, Aoshi," Kelly said, and blushed.

Aoshi didn't see any blanket type things lying around, so he threw his trench coat over her. Head.

"What the fuck? C'mon, now I can't see. And there's sooooo much to see!"

"I really don't care what you see," Aoshi said, and grabbed another remote.

"Wait, wait, wait. This has to be the right one. I pulled it out…of no man's land. Why won't it work?" Saito said, hand on chin.

"Hmm, I was gonna say that I took the batteries out of it, but then why would it rewind and fast forward?" Jenny said, looking smartith.

"I've got it," Kelly said from under the covers, "Saito caught one, right? And he ripped another one off of you. The one he got from you apparently doesn't do the transportation thing, probably because you had it taped to your damn leg like a drag queen cat. So the one he caught or the one Aoshi's got right now is the transportation remote." During this rather long explanation of the story since everyone involved was getting confused, her head had worked its way out from under Aoshi's coat. Her hair was all staticky and poking out every which way.

"So, all we have to do is find the play button on these two and see which one works?" Saito asked.

"Fuck, you think I'm gonna tell you that? If I'm gonna be tied up, I at least want to be able to look at you and think horrible sexy thoughts about you. You aren't going anywhere. Muwhahaha!" Kelly cackled evilly.


	20. Chapter 20

"You know what's ironic about this whole ordeal? That fucking remote was probably made in foogin' Japan!" Jenny shouted. "You'd think the assbanditos at Sony would make their own shit Saito-accessible."

"Shut up," Saito said calmly, looking over the remote in his hand, and then at the remote in Aoshi's hand. "Maybe it's this button."

"I don't like the look of it. I'm not pressing it."

"Oh c'mon, be a man for once in your pathetic existence! Think of your men. Beshimi, Whatshisface, umm...that fat one… and the other...guy… thing."

"Why don't you press it?" Aoshi accused.

"Because I'm already three men. And besides, I didn't let anyone down. I _won_ all of my fights."

"Grrrr…ok." Aoshi grudgingly hit the button Saito was talking about. He winced as if it was a bomb ready to explode, but when nothing happened he looked up, relieved. Suddenly he was tossed across the room like a Raggedy Andy doll hopped up on goofballs. "Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Ok, we're never pressing that button again," Saito said, pulling the plastic button piece out of the remote and unceremoniously chucking it at Kelly's head.

Kelly eyeballed the little plastic piece. "Eject? Gotdamn Jenny, don't you wish we had one of those remotes back in AP English?"

"Yeah, right in the middle of watching Pride and Prejudice we could have made Mrs. Prost fly out the damn window like the cackling eight-toed gibbon she really was."

"What do you mean 'was'?"

"All right you two, quiet down." Saito rubbed at his temple, trying to ignore the moaning that wimp Aoshi was making from the other side of the room. "I guess for the time being we're trapped here. That is, until we torture you both into telling us what button to push."

"Oh no, not the damn rack again!" cried Jenny, trying to get free of her bonds. "Anything but that!"

"Where in the fuck is he going to find a medieval torture rack in the middle of this godforsaken city, Jenny? Where? Hot Topic? Old Navy? Naughty but Nice?"

"You never know with Saito. He could probably take a vibrator and make it into an implement of torture." Jenny thought about it for a moment. "Hmmmm. That definitely would teach me a lesson or three. Four...Five...Ah hell, let's make it a baker's dozen! Cuz damn, I'm not driving!"

"Someone please separate us," Kelly said, looking close to tears. "Now."

Saito suddenly grabbed Jenny by the hair and began dragging her up the basement stairs with him. "Actually, that's a good idea for the time being. It'll keep you both out of trouble for the night."

"Owwww, at least it's not the pubes again! I've got a bald patch down there that looks like Abraham Lincoln!"

The door at the top of the stairs slammed shut, leaving Kelly in the dark with a head-lopping psychopath. "Don't leave me down here with this loser! Ayy!" Kelly shouted, trying to hop forward in a sitting position.

Raggedy Aoshi started to stir, making more groaning noises than a 1970's porno starring Ron Jeremy. "Ahhhh ohhhh yeahhhh mmmmphhhh uhhhhuh… uh… uhuh... uhuhuhuhuhuh!"

Kelly waited patiently in the dark for when he got to her favorite part, 'blasted his mess'.

Meanwhile, Saito was busy looking for a place to stash Jenny for the night. It was getting pretty late, and he was exhausted after the long day. He'd try questioning them both again in the morning. If he even lived until then. He pretty much feared for his life and genitals at this point.

"Where are you taking me, Saito-chanchanchanchanchan?" Jenny asked, trying to ignore the rug burns on her ass as he hauled her across the living room carpet.

"Hopefully somewhere you can't follow, hell spawn," he snapped, turning around to open up an economy-sized can of ass whoopery on her.

"Geeeezus! Why you gotta be so rough with me? I'm behaving for once, kind of, dammit!" Jenny cried, cowering into a ball. "I bet you bite in the sack."

"Too bad you'll never find out."

"Aw man, don't rub that shit in."

"Will you stop trying to drag your feet on purpose?!" Saito roared, as he labored to pull her forward. He started huffing and puffing like a Magic Dragon.

"Maybe if you didn't smork so much, some fresh air could get to your lungs," Jenny retorted, "Or brain. You better stop that shiiiiot or else your nuts will shrink!" Her legs suddenly latched around the leg of a table, pulling that along with them.

Saito dragged her to the bathroom, where he tossed her into the tub.

"Woo! Rub a dub dub!" Jenny shouted happily, squeezing a random rubber ducky. Squeaky squeaky. "Well? Ain't you gonna get in? Tsk," Jenny said, head shaking with attitude.

Saito leaned over and…turned the cold water on full blast. He walked the fuck out, whistling a happy tune.

"Nooooooooooo! C'mon, my nipples are like the Shinsengumi now! They're just 'mf', they're not laughing, they're not dancing, and they're just like 'Hey! I'm walking here! Get out the way bitch, get out the way!'"

Saito's head poked back into the room. "What?"

Jenny had little icicles hanging from her nose, and her lips were blue. "Untie me, pleeeeeeeeeeease!"

Saito leaned over and…turned the lights off. He walked the fuck out, a little skip in his step.

"Saito you can't do this to me! I looooooooooove you! '_koochibiroo toe koochibiroo meh toe meh toe tey toe tey kami-donokunsansama wahwah! naneeeemohhh kiiinsheeit baka no shite aishite'ru aishite'ru aishite'roooo!'"_

Saito's head poked back in and turned on the lights. "What in the fack?"

"What? I don't speak gooder Japanese? I speak gooder Engrish than you!"

Saito leaned over and…opened a window, turned the lights off, walked the hizell out, doing back flips. He then proceeded to make himself at home. He put on Kelly's purple bathrobe, blue slippers, and her mom's sleeping cap. He walked over to the refrigerator and looked inside while scratching his ass (typical male). "BRRRRRAAAAAAAAAP!" he belched.

"What the fuck was that? What died?" Jenny yelled from her ice tomb.

Saito walked back to the bathroom with a bottle in his hand. "What's this?"

"Kool-aid?"

"What's that? Alcohol?"

"No…"

"So 'Jack Daniels' is non-alcoholic?"

"Yesssssss…" Jenny said shiftily, rubbing her hands fiendishly.

Saito took a huge swig from the bottle. "Hwagck! Gyeah! Gluglugluglug! Huzzah!"

Jenny eyed him hopefully; knowing that some shit had to happen.

Saito took off the robe and slung it over his shoulder and lit a cigarette. "Well."

"I'm gettin' hot in here! So take off all your clothes! Pimp Juice, woo!" Jenny sang, shivering to the beat. "Why don't you have another drink? What's stopping ya? It's non-alcoholic. You know what that means right? No alcohol! And your liver's been bad, so it must be punished. And then, after that, you can make wild hot lesbian love to me!"

Saito took another drink, draining the bottle. He looked at it like it offended him, so he threw it against the wall, where it shattered, but not before cursing his liver to hell.

Jenny just looked at him with muppety eyes. "Holy rototiller! That's a scary-ass sight. Where's Fantastic Dan when you need him?"

"Don't tell me how to drink, woman! I can drink like a sakura blossom can…look pretty…" He looked around, ashamed at the words that just came out of his mouth.

"I'm not disagreeing," Jenny said, trying to hold her hands up defensively, but since they were hogtied and frozen to her junk, that weren't happening, "You're very pretty, like a Geisha."

"What'd you call me? Huh?! I'm a man! You have to respect me, wench!"

"A very pretty man! I love you Saito!"

"My name's not Saito! It's Futaenokiwamiusinloser, the third captain of…this house! Right?"

"Huh?"

"RIGHT?"

"Yessir!"

"And you are?"

"Your wife? Concubine? Personal assistant to the groin region of Kyoto? Second captain of your ass, foo'!" Jenny winced in anticipation of the boot to the fo'head that she knew was coming.

Saito/Futaenokiwamiusinloser just started to giggle maniacally.

"Anooooo… Futaenokiwamiusinloser? Are you okay?"

"What? Who said you could call me that? You will address me as Captain Crunchberries," he said, holding a box of said cereal.

"Anooooo…Captain Crunchberries?"

"The third!"

"Anoooo…Captain Crunchberries the third?"

"Yes?"

"Can I crunch your berries?"

"Sure! Here," he said, dumping the box on Jenny's head. The crunch berries instantly bonded to her frozen skin.

"Thanks, I guess," Jenny said, trying to get at the berries.

"What do you mean, 'you guess'? I worked long and hard for those! You don't appreciate anything I do! You don't even appreciate my kinky side! Damn you, Tokio! It is physically impossible for you to have a headache that often! I'm only 35, goddammit, I'm a maaaaaaaann!"

"Yes you are. A crazy man!"

All of a sudden, nigga turned mean and green up in this mug! He pulled the seat off the toilet, the water out of the bowl, the whole tank, the medicine cabinet, the shower curtain, the wallpaper, and the doorknob. He even fucked up the roast beast!

"Oh my rice balls! What am I doing? Stop me, please! Help me!" He turned and ran screaming from the room, skraight to the fridge. He pulled out a bottle of crab juice, and chugged that shit. "Blaaaaaaaaargh!" He tried some pickle juice. Too nasty. Lemon juice. Too sour. Bottle of wild vine 'n' hooch. Just right. He downed the whole bottle in 2.4 seconds. And downed himself on the living room couch.

"TOKIOOOOOO!"


	21. Chapter 21

"Yare yare," said Jenny, shaking her head sadly. "You'd think if he was that sex starved, he'd tap the first piece of ass that came within ten feet of him. Namely MINE! Ughhh!"

Meanwhile, Kelly was wondering what in the Sam Hill was going on upstairs. She heard banging and crashing noises, and now Saito was howling desperately for his wife. "The fuck is Jenny doing to him? It sounds like she's torturing the man!"

She glanced over at the miserable heap of Aoshi that still lay crumpled in the corner. His head was stuck under the cushion of a loveseat he was flung into, while the rest of his body was resting limply on the floor. It was the most pathetic sight she had ever beheld. But damn, did she have a good view of his ass. As much as she would have liked to stare at it until 2010, she had to get out of the basement. "Oi, Aoshi-sama! Wakey wakey! Time to get up!"

"Huhhhhhmmmmmmphhh?" Aoshi's fingers started to twitch. "Mhat mappened? Mhy mish mit mall marhhhk?"

Kelly rolled her eyes. "Your head is underneath a couch cushion, ya jerk! Now get up and quit embarrassing me! Geez, you'd think you were Sano or some shit."

"Did I lose again?" Aoshi asked, pulling his head free from the couch. POP! There was a Cheeto stuck to one side of his face, and a crushed Pringles chip on his forehead. He rubbed his head for a full minute, looking around with a dopey confused expression on his otherwise expressionless face.

"Yes, you did lose. This time to an inanimate object. But why am I not surprised?"

"…sorry."

"Don't apologize for it! Losing is in your genes, man. Just like it's in Sano's genes to be a chicken, Kenshin's genes to be a midget, Toki-hoe's genes to be a hoe, and Saito's genes to sock everyone else's ass around," Kelly explained, like she knew what the fuck she was talking 'bout.

More crashing noises came from above, followed by Jenny screaming, "DAMN, CAPTAIN CRUNCHBERRIES THE THIIIIIRD!!! QUIT JACKING UP KELLY'S LIVING-ROOM!!"

"Oh man, my parent's are going to have my non-existent balls for this. I just know it…What a minute…Captain Crunchberries? The Third? Do I even want to know?"

"I'll go see what's going on upstairs," Aoshi announced, shakily getting to his feet. "You can come along, just in case Saito wants to fight." He untied Kelly, while trying to avoid her glass-cutting nipples at all costs.

"Gee, thanks. At least you know you'd lose," Kelly said, finally putting on some clothes, including Aoshi's coat.

"Can I have my trench coat back?"

"Do you think you can take it from me?" Kelly put up her dukes. "I mean, this ain't no Taekwanese, this ain't no Chinese…this straight up niggaplease!"

"…Just keep it."

"I intend to."

"…"

"Don't you back talk me!"

Back in crazy Saito-land, Jenny was up to her neck in ice water and soggy Captain Crunch. The door to the bathroom was now hanging off its hinges, and she watched as Saito continued fucking up Kelly's house. "C'mon Captain Crunchberries the Third, be reasonable. At least put down the TV!"

Much to her amazement, he did put it down. And then he kicked the shit out of it.

"Kelly's going to kill me for getting you plastered! Why'd you have to be an angry drunkard?"

"What 're you sayin' now, woman?" Capt. Crunchberries the third slurred, practically dragging himself into the bathroom. "You shood only spoke when speaken to, cuz I'm a…kawaii ninjin."

"Ummm…" Jenny didn't really know what to say. It was obvious that Saito and alcohol were about as compatible as a Kaoru/Saito fanfic. It just weren't happening. At all. "Why don't you sit down, Saito? Sleep it off, ya know?"

"Whoooo're talkin' to, wench? My name isn't—"

"Sorry, I meant, Captain Crunchberries _the_ _third_."

"That's better," he said, breathing like there was a shortage of air. "Hey, 'ow 'bout I get you out of that tubbytele? Your gazongas look cold."

"I really think you need to sober up, and…WHAT?!"

He leaned forward, and tried to turn the shower knob to the off position, but instead turned it to hot. "There."

"HOLY SWEET FIGTREEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!" Jenny screeched, taking out a few windows with her.

"'ere, lemme help you."

"Please don't. You've helped enough already."

"What, so now you dun want my help? Ungrateful female!" Captain Crunchberries the third yelled angrily, punching a hole through the tiled wall.

"Eep."

"Move over!" he demanded, crawling into the tub.

"Huh? What the hell are you doing?!" Jenny cried, scooting back as far as she could. "Normally, I'd enjoy this, but man, you are really fucked up right now!"

He splashed her with water, laughing insanely.

Jenny wasn't having any of that, so she splished him back. "When you get angry again, just remember that you instigated this!"

He splashed her again, this time a little more aggressively.

Jenny hesitantly splished back, getting kind of worried at this point.

Splish.

Splash.

Splish.

Splash.

Splish. Splish. Um, Splish?

Splashsplashsplashsplashsplashsplashsplashsplashsplash!!

"Holy christables Batman!" Kelly yelled, standing in the bathroom doorway.

"Phewwww," Aoshi said, speechless.

"Um…He's drunker than a pack of Ronald McDonalds on Easter!" Jenny cried, trying to dodge Saito's splashing. "He wants me to call him Captain Crunchberries the Third! Somebody get dis nigga some java!"

Kelly started giving out orders like some sort of 1-800-General NOW! "Okay, I'm gonna go make some coffee. Aoshi, you pull, um, the Captain, out of the tub. Jenny, put some damn clothes on and defrost those titties. Captain, try not to kill anybody, namely Aoshi."

Jenny suddenly looked guilty. "Kelly, about your living-room…I think Captain Crunchberries tried to rape your furniture, cuz damn, it's fucked up!"

Kelly turned around, surveying the holocaust before her. "Damn, how'd he get it up _there_. Is that even possible?"

Meanwhile, Saito was going to town on a bar of Ivory and guzzling down Pert Plus like no tomorrow. He offered some to Jenny, while foaming at the mouth. Literally.

"No thanks, I'm trying to cut back."

"Aoshi, can you stop that drunk bastard already?" Kelly shouted.

"I'll try."

"Aw shit, he's going after the Listerine now!"

"Aoshi, get your ass in there and win one for the Kelly!" Kelly said, smacking him on the ass.

Aoshi took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and waded into the bathroom with arms flailing wildly. Amazingly, he managed to clock Saito on the side of the head. He looked triumphant for a fraction of a second before Jenny hit him in the teeth with one of her blocks of ice.

"How dare you fuck with Captain Crunchberries the Third! Only I'm allowed to do that!" Jenny shouted.

"Dammit Jenny, this is no time to be territorial. And if you chipped one of Aoshi's teeth…that might look kinda cool. Aoshi, lemme see."

Aoshi turned and held out his hand to Kelly.

"Oh my shit. Are you serious?" She held out her hand like she was getting married.

Aoshi dropped a tooth into her hand.

"I hope to Manuel Noriega, former dictator of Panama, that it's a Chicklet," she said, and looked down. "Nuts. Damn toothless bastard."

"Since he's damaged goods, can I have him?" Jenny asked.

"Only if I can have Saito and his black-eye."

Jenny looked at the Captain. He had a mass of blue crunchberries congealed around his eye, and a steady stream of shampooie drool oozed from his mouth.

"Done!" Jenny said.

Kelly put her hands in a "T". "Hold on. How's about I go grab the remote, rewind it to before Saito went spastic at the poker table, and we start the whole thing over?"

"Hmmmm…" Jenny thought. She reached out and grabbed a gargantuan handful of Aoshi's ass with one hand, and grabbed another crotch-full of Saito. She weighed them like melons. "Okay."

Kelly mouthed "What the fuck?" and ran downstairs. "Wait! Aoshi, come with me! I don't trust you alone with her!"

Aoshi followed her, not too trusting of Jenny, either.

Jenny's eyes followed Aoshi's slab of ass out of the room. "Good thing you took him, Kelly, cuz I'da fucked your man. I'da fucked him on a quesadilla, I don't give a fuck!" she shouted.

Kelly ignored Jenny's last comment, but would get her for it next month. She grabbed a remote. "Okay. Rewind."

(It's waaaay too fucking hard to type backwards. Just imagine this all in reverse. Aoshi's tooth flew back into his face, the shampoo drool went back into Saito's mouth, then back into the bottle, Kelly's living room went back to normal, all the water went back into the pipes, Saito's junk went back in the sock, Jenny remained naked, and Kelly and Aoshi had a pair of draws on.)

Kelly hit "play", and they were all back in Tokyo. "Hey, it worked!"

"Hey, I'm naked!" Jenny shouted, and dove into a bush.

"Hey…" Aoshi said…

"You bitches!" Saito roared, and then noticed the sock. And the busy street they were in the middle of, and the townspeople that had gathered.


	22. Chapter 22

"Ayyyy, no need to swear, Captain Crunchberries the third!" cried Jenny, head poking out from the bush. "Jesus Christ, put some clothes on. I mean, man! Your schlong is liable to poke some boy's eye out!"

Meanwhile, Aoshi's schlong was doing just that. Yahiko stood there with 9 feet of manhood directly in his eye. "Ow! What the hell! Why is it so big!"

"Damn, papa dun got some of his Niagra!" Kelly yelled, jealous as all shitty.

"Oh my, I'm so sorry." Aoshi politely turned and took out about five villagers and their rice paddies. "Oh my, sorry…SORRRRRRRRRRY!"

"No need to holla, Shinomori," Saito said, jumping over his Yahiko-poker like he was trying out for the Olympics. Fuckin' Paul Hamm over heah. "Bling bling!"

Kelly surveyed the damaged done by Aoshi's javelin. "Took out bout 12 chinks and a woman."

"That shit was wrawng!" Jenny said with major blackittude.

One of the injured turned over, moaning painfully. "Kill whitey!"

"Okay, enough. My junk is all over the place, and this sock isn't doing a damn thing," Saito said, striking a match on his ass and lighting himself a cigarette.

It suddenly smelled like sulfur and arse.

Kelly spied with her little unpoked eye the remote. "Pssst, Jenny. You see what I see?"

Jenny's face was pressed between Saito's ass cheeks. "Mhat?"

"Now who's got anal action fantasies?" Kelly plucked Jenny from Saito's manhole. "You moron, the remote!"

Saito's eyebrow went up up and away. "What are you talking about, aho?"

"I'm talking bout Seinfeld, nigga! You know, Elaine, George, Jerry, and Kramer! Poppop chicka chick pop!" Kelly explained, trying to imitate the theme. "Besides, it's none of your goddamned business, you…Sanosuke-lovin', man-handlin', Captain Picard lickin', Butterball turkey rollin', manhole fingerin', anal lube drinkin', unflushed toilet!"

"What is your fascination with my ass?"

"It's Jenny's fascination. I just want the damned remote."

"The remote?"

"Jenny! Stop, drop, and ROLL! Bitch!" Kelly yelled, doing just that. She rolled towards the remote, kicking up more dust than yo mama's bed.

"What are you doing? There ain't no fire!" Jenny questioned, looking retarded and clueless, as usual. "Ahhhdeeeeeh?"

Saito knew what was happening, so he also took Kelly's advice and stopped, dropped, and rolled'. At that exact same moment, hung like a bastard' Aoshi, decided to see what all the hullabaloo was about, and turned. His wangalang whacked Jenny across the face, blinding her. "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick, blind the bitch, blind the bitch!" Aoshi sang.

Kelly and Saito rolled with a vengeance after the remote. Kelly reached out and grabbed it, but not before Saito put his cigarette out on her recently injured finger (she's a klutz).

"Owwww! Whatinell! That was some underhanded bullsheeeeit!" Kelly cried, releasing the remote and proceeding to beat the holy Babyface Nelson out of the man. "Didn't I tell ya? Didn't I? Do not fuck with a white woman's injured finger! I'll kick your goddamn ass back to Mongolia, you back alley yokel! Awww shit, how'd you like that? And that? After I'm done with you, ain't no woman gonna want you. You're gonna look like a Michael Jackson operation gone horribly right!" Kelly was throwing knees and elbows, sitting on top of Saito's limp form.

"OMG! What are you doing, Kelly?" Jenny stumbled around, feeling the ground for them. "Why I always gotta be Ray Charles in these fics? Keeeeeelly! Leave Saito-chan aloneeeee! He's harmless!"

"Harmless my nekkid ass! He just burned the shitake out of my finger with his bad habit!"

"Hey, the po-lice are comin'! Look!" Jenny pointed up at the sky.

"What are you babbling about now, you Ray Charles imposter?"

"Fujita-san? Is that you?" asked a man.

"Huhhhhh?" Saito lifted his head about two inches off the ground before giving up. "It's so…Fo'Head…I mean, bright…"


	23. Chapter 23

We interrupt this broadcast for an important news bulletin:

This shit has gotten out of hand.

We, Jenny and Kelly, the authors of the Rurouni Kenshin Parody, would like to apologize to all the readers whose minds have been tainted by this utter travesty of a fanfiction. Saito's junk is NOT 3+ feet long, and even if it was, he would not let us heathens grab it repeatedly.

Aoshi, however, DOES have a three-foot long "love kodachi". And he's never said more than five words, so you should ignore the twelve or so that he speaks in the story.

Kenshin is NOT a flaming midget. He's just a short man on fire.

Tokio is a decent, god fearing woman that in no way resembles a monkey.

Kawaji's head, while shiny, does not blind all who see it.

Hiko was not even in the story; we couldn't find him.

Sanosuke is the weakest man on Rurouni Kenshin.

Yahiko did not lose an eye to Aoshi's manhood, but he does have to wear a patch for a week. Doctor's orders.

Megumi is not a panda, but she does occasionally munch on bamboo.

Jiya…oooooooooooooooooooooo!

Jenny is a dental assistant. I shit you not. (Hey! Shut up bitch!)

Captain Crunchberries III is currently residing in Idaho, where he has a corn farm. He bears no resemblance to Saito and we did not get permission to use his likeness in this fic.

Misao is in love with a pedophile.

Ray Charles is dead and will be missed by many. But he was blind and that's funny. The use of his name is likely to be repeated in the future. We predict a 70 chance of scattered blind people showers. (Ray Charles rolls over in his grave and shakes his fist in the wrong direction.) We also predict a slight chance of deaf thunderstorms. But don't worry; it shouldn't interrupt your sleep.

We don't even remember when Kaoru was in the story, but then again, who cares?

Elvis did not appear in this fic, but he was a drug addict. And that's funny.

Kelly once brought in the X-Men parody for a school assignment and got reprimanded for making fun of Magayto.

Once again, we apologize for this ridiculous nonsense.

Stay tuned for the next adventure of Jenny and Kelly in anime land.

By the way, if you were curious about what happens at the end of this story, Jenny and Kelly get the remote back and go home and have some macaroni and cheese. Saito goes back to work after fucking Tokio senseless, Aoshi goes "…", Jiya masturbates himself to death, and a random manticore watches Kenshin and Sano and Al Capone finally consummate their love for one another.

The End…or is it? DADADADAAAAAAAA!

No, seriously.

This chapter written to "Georgia on my Mind". RIP Ray, you blind, stumbling motherfucker.

We realize this is uber horrible, but we don't care.


End file.
